To break the cycle, stop blaming others

Published 9:00 pm Sunday, April 23, 2006

This is a letter describing my perspective on treating domestic violence perpetrators. We are all victims, and the only way to break the cycle of violence is for each person to stop blaming others and to accept 100 percent responsibility for healing ourselves and taking charge of our personal growth and development. Both bullying and developing the victim mentality (learned helplessness) are learned attitudes and behaviors.

Bullies come primarily from two perspectives:

1: Entitlement – they don’t learn to respect the rights of others and are only out for themselves.

2: Prior victimization – they have learned to compensate from being the victim of abandonment and/or abuse and see the world as “you are either a victim or a bully” and I don’t want to be the victim anymore.

Unfortunately, when they start getting their way from bullying, they often will transition to the entitlement of No. 1 and forget what it was like to be the victim.

Many feel that to hold the victim responsible is to re-victimize the victim. However, without taking charge of their healing and development, the victim will usually move from one bully to another, using them as their protector while still remaining in the victim role or through their blaming move to being the bully and instead of breaking the cycle of violence, be happy with the changing of the guard. Being stuck in the victim role is still being trapped in the past and not moving forward.

Knowledge, along with accountability and no blaming, can help break the cycle of violence.

Stan Woody, ms, LmHC

Lynnwood