Fool’s paradise of fake news

Published 12:01 am Friday, April 1, 2011

Anyone who has verbally mangled the language, regardless of their political leanings, no doubt felt some empathy with President George W. Bush and his struggles with the spoken word. Malapropisms sometimes have their own eloquence. (As the universally beloved performer named Charo likes to say, “Ple

ase don’t misconscrue me.” )

Anyway, today is a good day to haul out a classic Bush wrangling, a mix sampling an old saying and lyrics from a Who song: “There’s an old saying in Tennessee — I know it’s in Texas, probably in Tennessee — that says, fool me once, shame on, shame on you. Fool me, you can’t get fooled again.” (President Bush in Nashville, 2002.)

(Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me.) (Who song, “Won’t Get Fooled Again.”)

Dully, uh, duly warned, here are some news items that just possibly cannot be true, as feeble, er, feasible, as they may sound. Shame on, shame on somebody.

•”Everett TV announces Charlie Sheen will join the ‘Mayor’s Update’ show with Mayor Ray Stephanson and Kate Reardon.”

“Everett City Council announces a guy who kind of looks like Charlie Sheen will Tweet all council meetings.”

“Everett City Council announces it will re-enact all council meetings for Everett TV, with extra drama and thespian flair, from the Childrens Theater currently under construction. With the Sheen look-a-like dramatically Tweeting the minutes.”

“WSU to open stand-alone branch campus inside stand-alone Emergency Department.”

“Providence Medical Center announces it will open a stand-alone TV channel, ProvTV. Medical dramas will be re-enacted, set to music or supply plots for the center’s soap opera, “Not So General Hospital.”

“Everett Community College opens stand-alone classroom inside WSU branch campus inside stand-alone Emergency Department.”

“Lynnwood sued over unflattering red-light photos.”

“Tim Eyman files initiative against himself.”

“Bikini baristas announce they will open a stand-alone espresso stand inside a Starbucks.”

“Parking enforcement officer tickets self.”

“Everett TV announces Bob Newhart, aka ‘Dick Louden,’ will host a low-rated public affairs show called “Everett Today.”

“By popular demand, Everett TV will begin broadcasting “Real Housewives of Snohomish County.”

“Everett TV announces, with a little artistic license, the new reality show, “Ray & Kate, Plus 8.”

“Cardiologists open stand-alone clinic inside fast-food restaurant.”

“Initiative files referendum against Eyman.”

“Psychiatrists open stand-alone clinic in neighborhood, setting rates at 4 cents. Lucy Van Pelt sues.”

“Troubled local bank opens stand-alone branch inside Treasury.”

“Everett TV announces it will broadcast straight from security cameras in parks. Sample Tweet from volunteer birds following the action: ‘Oooh that seagull got that windshield but good.’ “