On strike until sun shows
Published 12:01 am Monday, April 11, 2011
Yes, your government can shut down, or teeter on the brink, but your taxes are still due on April 18. Let’s review the non-deductible headlines:
•”After more than two weeks: one dry day“: That was Friday. Remember that day? It brings to mind the late comedian Chris Farley, playing the nervous interviewer: “Remember … remember when the sun came out that one time? Remember that? That was awesome!”
“Barry Bonds trial: Secret tapes muffled, but audible“: Good grief, make it stop. Is this really the best use of our taxpayer dollars? This endless proceeding is managing to make Bonds, now shrunken back to normal size after two seasons out of the game, a sympathetic figure. Because all the real criminals will be prosecuted and go to trial, right?
“Coffee addiction may be grounded in genes“: Turns out a huge segment of the population is descended from the same line. That Juan Valdez, he got around. That’s what gossipy Mrs. Olsen always said. Or as she liked to say, “He always wanted a second cup.”
“First homosexual caveman found“: His cave drawings seem to indicate, “A little paint and some colorful accessories would do wonders to brighten up this place up a bit.”
“Texas considers highest speed limit in nation“: That would be 85 mph on some highways, and “whatever your car can handle” on some of the lonelier, endless, scarier stretches of the state. Especially if you are trying to leave. Critics of the change point to safety concerns and increased fuel consumption. Proponents point to a state map. And Texas oil producers.
“Rays shocked, disappointed by Manny Ramirez“: Seriously? They feign shock even as the Barry Bonds trial slowly oozes on? Disappointed Ramirez was busted again so soon after the last time?
“Jose Canseco delivers the greatest Tweet ever“: Mr. Steroid-turned-whistleblower, author and “Celebrity Apprentice” type celebrity is always shocked and disappointed by everyone. Midwestsportsfans.com shares the following insight from Canseco’s March Twitter musings: “just remember the media is write 20 percent of 50 percent of the time”. Noted.
“Trump sends investigators to Hawaii, gains in GOP presidential primary poll“: The tycoon, “Celebrity Apprentice” star and presidential hopeful has become a vocal “birther,” questioning whether President Obama was born in the United States, despite the fact that the state of Hawaii has definitively certified Obama’s citizenship, over and over again.
It’s hard to understand Trump’s strategy — won’t opponents now demand to see proof of the origin of The Donald’s other-worldly hair?
