Eat peas, don’t grow them

Published 3:14 pm Friday, August 13, 2010

Since we’re in the dog days of summer, let’s take a look at some of the less Sirius stories making headlines:

The case may cause people of a certain age to burst into song: “My mommy said not to put peas in my lungs

Peas in my lungs, peas in my lungs.”

Because as those baby boomers and their doctors know, a lot of kids did put beans in their ears, beans in their ears, even though mommy said not to. And they did sprout.

“Half of women would give up sex rather than gain 10 pounds”: Sigh. Because everyone knows sexual activity is highly caloric endeavor? Just because you can conduct a poll, does that mean you should? This particular nonsense was funded by the diet company Nutrisystem.

The article opens: “For some women, weight control is more important than sex, according to a new poll of 1,001 people.

About half of women say they would rather go without sex for the summer than gain 10 pounds. A fourth of men feel the same way.”

A ridiculous premise, with an equally silly conclusion.

Other important findings from the not-scientific-in-any-way poll:

Three-quarters of both men and women would have been willing to give up something — such as watching TV, shopping, using a cellphone or computer for the summer — for a flat tummy.

Ah, now we are getting somewhere. Wish theory. People would be willing to give up TV for the summer if their stomach magically became flat simply due to their great sacrifice of not watching “Jersey Shore.” It just wouldn’t be right to ask people if they would be willing to exercise rather than watch TV, in order to gain the coveted “flat tummy.”

The poll also found that almost half said they don’t diet because they don’t want to give up their favorite foods.

Gosh, if only there was a magical diet system where one didn’t need to exercise or give up favorite foods…