Site Logo

Big food, old Hugh, old lust

Published 4:39 pm Friday, July 16, 2010

Get your July headlines while they’re hot:

  • “12-inch burger? Carl’s Jr., Hardee’s test market a foot-long”: Mmmm, three hamburgers, three slices of cheese, 850 calories and 20 grams of saturated fat served on a white sub roll, and daintily sliced in half.

    • Apparently the fast food chains have a bet among themselves to see who can develop a Fred Flinstone-like Bronto-burger-ribs connoction that will actually tip a car over.

  • “Penthouse owner makes competing bid for Playboy”: Dear Penthouse: I’m just an old dude wearing a bathrobe, minding my own business and somebody starts trying to, uh, have their way with me and not in a good way…”

    • It turns out Hugh Hefner is uninterested in selling the Playboy “brand” and wants to take it private to control the empire again.

    But times are tough for 84-year-old Hugh Hefner and the Bunny brand. A little thing called the Internet has taken its toll on the naughty magazine business. Teens don’t even have to hide their laptops under their mattresses.

    Still, Hefner worries about the editorial direction of the magazine and its legacy, Associated Press reports. He still serves as creative director and editor-in-chief.

    Apparently it’s not a line of work from which one retires.

    Still, it’s a little less than hip to be reminded by staff that some Bunnies would have to be added to a “cozy afternoon naps” photo spread.

  • “Olive oil study questions claims of virginity”: Popeye, ever the gentleman, will never stand for such insinuations. That darn Bluto is spreading rumors again. Time to spinach up and defend Olive’s honor.

    • (Secondary plot: Wimpy to Carl Jr.: “I’ll gladly pay you Tuesday for a foot-long cheeseburger today.”)

  • “More weight may equal less brainpower, study finds”: For older women, the study found that for every extra point gained on a scale of obesity, scores in reasoning, memory and other mental skills fell. Oh, baloney. That can’t be true, can it? We remember ordering a foot-long cheeseburger, but things get a little fuzzy after that. “We’ll gladly pay you Tuesday for a new study today.”

    • “The science of cougar sex: Why older women lust”: Time magazine ponders why “older women” — that would be women in their 30s and 40s — might cheat on spouses or partners, or have sex for reasons other than procreation.

    Oh, for the love of Dr. Ruth. Why is it always assumed that men are just naturally following their evolutionary urges; whereas all women are presumed to have some “Not-tonight-dear, I-have-a-headache gene,” and interest in sex requires an explanation. Maybe because it’s more fun to study than anything else?

    You Might Like