Other well-known cheese-healing properties: Slightly melty Swiss cheese worn as a facial mask helps ease sinus pain; eating (as opposed to wearing) Mac ’n’ cheese treats depression, unless it’s the only thing you can afford to eat, in which case it causes depression; wearing a Provolone patch can help treat a Cheez Whiz addict; before hot stone massage therapy, they used wheels of Gouda. As many an amateur healer has learned, the hardcore, stinky cheeses are best left in the hands of professionals. And after years of anecdotal research, it was determined that Green Bay Packer fans wearing Cheesehead hats cause headaches in other people.

“Casanova’s steamy memoirs donated to French National Library”: The famous lover’s accounting of his sex ’n’ spy adventures (3,700 pages worth) contain few expressions of regret, and not a single mention of a stint in rehab.

“A wish list of features for the next round of cellphones”: While the New York Times writer yearns for “mobile video conferencing” and “biometric sensors” on his future phone, others dream of more everyday improvements, such as: A self-cleaning phone. One that asks, “Do you really want to send that photo?” 10 times before it will allow a photo to be sent. One that comes with cheese-lined gloves to ease “Texter’s Thumb.” One that is a car, a literal car phone, so the people who refuse to stop phoning and driving can finally achieve nirvana.