Scientists moony over star
Published 12:01 am Monday, September 12, 2011
The full harvest moon, which started Sunday night, hits its peak tonight. Traditionally, the several nights of the huge, low, almost full moon gave farmers more light during harvesting season. These days, it’s a great excuse not to shave and simply embrace your evolving werewolf self. Let’s look at
the illuminating headlines:
•”Young, nearby supernova dazzles U.S. scientists“: Oh, how typical. Heads turning for a younger star, the bright newcomer, while taking for granted the older, loyal, less dazzling supernovae.
“Dolphins talk like humans“: Which is to say that scientists have discovered that dolphins produce sounds with vocal cords, like humans do, and don’t whistle as earlier thought. Because if dolphins talked like humans, the oceans would sound like:
“It’s the sushi, stupid.”
“I’m offended by the grabby octopus community.”
“The whales don’t pay their fair share.”
“The sponges and parasites don’t pay anything.”
“You know, like, that was literally the best ‘Flipper’ episode ever.” “Whatever.”
Maybe when dolphins talk it’s less Complainy and more Confucius: “The superior dolphin is modest in his speech, but exceeds in his actions.”
•”Sperm donor has fathered at least 150 kids“: Unlike with motor vehicles, the idea of a highly popular “model” in sperm donation would seem to have its obvious flaws. Not the least of which is that no single man could possibly be that great. Perhaps he’s the planet’s greatest exaggerator. Except now he has a real, icky claim to fame that should only be exaggeration: “My sperm have spawned 150 children.”
The children of such super sperm donors have begun to locate each other online, as much to discover their half-siblings as to make sure they don’t date each other. Leaving humans and dolphins alike speechless.
•”580 hp. Chevy Camaro ZL1 aimed at fastest Ford Mustang“: A true commuter car. You could be late for work and still get there on time.
“Fewer people choose to be self-employed“: That’s a nice way of putting it.
“Future home: Robocleaners, tweeting appliances“: The article asks: “Why not watch TV on your refrigerator? Samsung has a refrigerator that tweets. Or you could take a quick look inside, find you are out of broccoli and order some online for delivery.”
Genius: If you watch TV on your fridge, you wouldn’t even have to leave your seat in order to get snacks! But if your refrigerator tweets, it could get pushy and say, “Change the channel! ‘Wheel of Fortune’ is on.” On the other hand, the fridge could tweet its (and yours) dismay at the cancellation of your favorite soap opera, “As the Microwave Turns.”
