Big candy, big diamonds
Published 12:01 am Monday, August 29, 2011
If our country’s worst economic crisis was the Great Depression, what should we call these current financial times? The Bad Mood? The Blues? The Downs and Outs? The Gloomies? The Moody Blues? Let’s take some cheap shots at the headlines:
•”Giant candy bar causes scare on Tacoma Narrows Bridge“: Turned out to be no big deal. The big lug, known as “Galloping Ghirardelli” simply forgot to pay the toll, causing a minor meltdown.
“Scientists discover a diamond as big as a planet“: Donald Trump has already called dibs on it, saying he can finally have the pinky ring of his dreams.
“Hurricane Irene could wreak havoc on insurance premiums“: Hence the problem with insurance. It’s just great, right up until it’s actually needed and used.
“I’m the good driver, you’re the bad driver”: In unsurprising findings from an Allstate survey, it turns out most people consider themselves to be excellent drivers, while everyone else poses danger.
As the late comedian George Carlin observed: Have you ever noticed, when you’re driving, that anyone driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone driving faster than you is an ass?
•”Should restaurants ban cellphones?” Yes. Even more than trans fats.
“Rick Steves donating $1 million in ‘Bush tax cuts’ to Edmonds arts center“: A cheap traveler, and a generous citizen.
“Bikini espresso stand owner charged with lewd conduct“: The three Java Juggs stands will now be called “Brewed, Crude ‘n’ Lewd.”
Police became suspicious when customers would order an a double mocha with whip, hold the bikini.
Ditto the claim that the stripper pole was used as a way to stir drinks.
•”Arizona man stuffs snakes in his pants, flees store“: Uh, let’s not touch that with a 10-foot-pole. On second thought, why not?
A Mesa man was arrested after police said he was caught on video trying to steal an albino boa constrictor. The suspect told police he couldn’t help himself, but he knows in his heart that the reptile was meant to be his main squeeze.
•”Toxic friends? 8 in 10 people endure poisonous pals”: A survey of TODAY.com and Self magazine readers showed 84 percent of women and 75 percent of men reported having a “toxic” friend at some point.
This sounds much like the “me, good driver; you, bad driver” conundrum. Me, good friend. You, bad friend.
And one person’s toxic is another’s tonic, or something.
Of course, if the friend happens to be a stolen poisonous snake, then he or she is literally toxic, and one wouldn’t be able to endure them for long at all.
