VW Rabbit pregnancy test?
Published 12:01 am Monday, May 30, 2011
According to the calendar, it’s time to roll out the barbecue. Just be sure to keep your Snuggie sleeves away from the open flame. Let’s review the headlines:
•”KFC chicken thief suspect crosses road, gets busted by cops“: But why?
Not only a punchline, it is one of the five “W’s” news stories are supposed to answer: Who, what, when, where and why? Seems the man crossed the street to put the alleged stolen chicken in the trunk of his … blue Cadillac, SeattlePI.com reported.
Lacking further details, let’s venture: Why did the KFC chicken thief cross the road? Because that’s where he parked his Coupe de Ville…
•”Ford developing car-seat heart monitor“: This will come in handy if you’ve stolen some KFC chicken (and eaten a lot of it over your lifetime) and you’re trying to evade the cops, and need to decide whether your greater risk of arrest is cardiac or criminal. It will help you decide whether to drive to the emergency room, or off a cliff, or just mainline some gravy during the pursuit.
The seat has six sensors that can monitor a driver’s heart by its electrical impulses, USA Today reported. (But does it come in Corinthian leather? Oh, wait, that’s the Chrysler competitor, the luxury Cardiac Cordoba.)
Ford says such a seat could help heart patients monitor their health and provide an early warning of a heart attack.
Wouldn’t it be easier convert a hospital bed into a vehicle?
As Gordon Tomaselli, chief of cardiology for Johns Hopkins, and incoming president of the American Heart Association, told USA Today:
“Anybody who requires minute-by-minute monitoring probably shouldn’t be driving.”
Indeed.
But the Hearty Coupe is just one option Ford is considering. Other in-car systems can track glucose levels for diabetics or pollen levels for asthmatics from dashboard displays, USA Today reported.
Concerns/questions:
— Good thing the electrical/computer systems in cars never fail or go on the fritz. Who needs precision when measuring heart rates and sugar levels?
— Do diabetics stick their finger in the lighter socket?
— Is someone working on a “Hybrid/Hypertension” model?
— Does this mean Ford is bringing back the “Probe”?
— Gratefully, the “Gyno GTO” has yet to make it off the drawing board.
— Will the “Birthin’ Babies” minivan ever sell as well as the “Don’t Bother Knockin’ if this van’s Rockin'” model?
— If the cardiac seat does, in fact, sense that you are having a heart attack, does the soothing GPS/Nurse Practitioner voice suddenly change to an alarming Redd Foxx/Fred Sanford declaration: “This is the big one! Hear that, driver?”
