Forum: Our reliance on first apperances needs a second look

Published 1:30 am Saturday, April 29, 2023

By Fabian Borowiecki / Herald Forum

In today’s world, people are more often evaluated for what they are instead of for who they are. It is easier to say a person is a specific race, gender or other classification because that is what they are on the outside. It therefore takes very little thinking to arrive at conclusions about others because you see that “redneck” cowboy or homeless “drug addict” right there in front of you.

What is more difficult to ascertain is just who that other person is. Is he, for example, a kind person or a crab? Is she a good parent? Are they a trustworthy person that keeps their word?

It is all too easy to judge a person by what they are rather than by who they are. There’s the old adage that says “you only have one chance to make a first impression” but all too often that first impression is clouded by what you appear as, instead of who you are.

As you go through each day you may see a person wearing that cowboy hat, or a military uniform, or mismatched clothes that are little more than rags. Unconsciously your mind will process what you see and make an assessment of that specific person based on past experiences, what you’ve read, or what others have told you in the past. But that’s just an initial assessment based on appearance, not who they really are inside. (Of course, all bets are off if you are suddenly confronted by a snarling person with a weapon, but let’s hope that will never happen to you!)

Our world of today may be based on quick thinking and fast decisions, but there’s still room for upfront tolerance of other people being what they are in order to spend the time to discover who they really are. That person of a different political party might have some hilarious childhood stories to tell while that other person of a different religious faith could know some fascinating facts about science, but you’ll never find that out if you can’t get past what they are and just talk to them.

One time at work, I moved into a new group as its lead and one of my people was a younger person who did not impress me at all at first. He wore old jeans and sweatshirts most of the time and had a scraggly beard and mustache that didn’t make a good impression with me. He also took a seemingly laid-back approach to his assigned tasks, so I initially labeled him as a potential problem.

However, as I interacted with him over the next couple months, I found he had a very detailed knowledge of his assignment, took pains to ensure that the people he supervised understood their parts to play, and researched and planned for just about every problem that could arise. What appeared to be a lackadaisical approach was really thinking and planning to ensure that he had all bases covered. My initial assessment as a potential problem area turned out to be the smoothest functioning area that I had.

Another person in that same group that always dressed well, kept exhaustive notes and lists of things to be done, and was always very business-like in demeanor, a person I had initially labeled as a go-getter, turned out to be an egotistical liar whose only concern was how fast he could get into the management ranks and then how high he could rise. So, I learned first impressions are important, but they are not the whole story.

And that’s the journey I think we all should consider when dealing with other people, i.e., tolerance first followed by patience until an informed decision can be made, instead of the snap judgements that we are all more inclined to doing. There is more to a person than just what you first see.

There is an old riddle that starts with you deciding to get a haircut after moving to a small town far away. But the only barber shop in town is staffed solely by two identical twin barbers, so which do you choose? One twin has perfectly cut and styled hair while the other sports a hairdo that’s a bit uneven, so which one do you choose for your haircut? The natural inclination would be to choose the barber with the perfect cut. But the correct answer is since they are the only two barbers in town, the one with the perfectly styled hair more than likely had it done by the other more unkempt looking twin. Therefore, the twin with the uneven cut should be the one you choose to give you that perfect hairdo.

Appearances can be deceiving.

Fabian Borowiecki lives in Everett.