Mary is a highly functioning, highly competent school principal who’s always running at 500 miles per hour. She also has three young children. Balancing the demands of running a school, getting her kids to their afterschool activities and trying to get a healthy meal on the table is a constant juggling act. Lately, though, it seems like she’s feeling more tired, emotional and ragged by the end of each day.
Mary’s challenge: She feels that she has to live up to everyone’s expectations. She has to be the best at everything. She has to say yes to every request. When she can’t, she feels disappointed in herself.
She wants to please her boss, her teachers, staff, the parents of her students, her kids and her husband. She feels that she “should” be able to do everything. She grew up in a family with “can-do” parents who seemed to be able to leap tall buildings in a single bound. They were the original “buck up and get the job done” folks. Mary feels terrible about herself. Why can’t she manage to do more? Why can’t she keep all the balls in the air?
It’s a common problem among overachievers, a label I never completely understood until recently. I wondered: “How could high achievement be bad?” Of course, getting excellent grades in life is fine. Who doesn’t feel good about getting an A or a high five for a great job? But what’s the price? Some adults and kids always have to do more to feel worthwhile, capable and appreciated. Nothing is ever good enough.
Typically, these individuals grew up in families where high achievement was the norm. Good grades were celebrated and high performance was rewarded. Anything less than top marks was ignored. These children pair love with achievement, which can produce adults who feel like performing seals. It can be a recipe for low self-esteem, depression and shame.
For many, overdoing is a strategy for success — putting in more time than necessary. But as life becomes more complex, that strategy doesn’t work as well and often becomes a source of pain and suffering.
So what can overachievers do?
Ask yourself what is important to you. Most overachievers do, do and do without awareness. They are unaware that they’re seeking love and appreciation. Consider what you value. What is important to you? What gives you meaning and joy outside of achievement?
Balance: Finding the balance between achievement and self-care is a ticket to greater ease in our busy lives. As we age, it becomes harder to do everything at 150%. We run out of gas and time. No matter who you are, there are only 24 hours in a day. And guess what? As you age, you have less energy. It’s better to prioritize self-care as an important ingredient for everyday life.
Hobbies: Overachievers rarely have time for hobbies. It’s important to have interests that aren’t competitive, bring you joy and are fun. Take up a musical instrument, dance classes, woodworking or gardening. Take a yoga or tai chi class.
Determine what’s good enough. As kids, we were told always to do the best we could. But how is that measured? Many tasks in life can be adequately accomplished by doing a good enough job. But it’s often hard to determine what’s good enough. Save extra effort for those tasks that are important but not for everything that you do. Save some energy and time for yourself.
Paul Schoenfeld is a clinical psychologist at Optum Care Washington, formerly The Everett Clinic.
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