Graham: Pandemic has left us all coping with anxious thoughts

By Ciera Graham / Herald columnist

I never thought the year 2020 would make normality as I know it completely obsolete.

COVID-19 has altered all our lives. And with many of us feeling as if our lives are in a constant state of flux, anxiety can rear its ugly head.

As someone who has always been a planner and takes great joy in having everything figured out, uncertainty can cause anxiety. I have experienced a culmination of emotions from fear, stress and insomnia: I have found myself with an irregular sleeping pattern; I am facing constant pressure to be glued to technology in order to maintain a pulse on our ever changing world; I am being woken up by anxious thoughts of whether the virus will hit my home and family personally; I am saddened by the unprecedented unemployment numbers and the impact this has on people, and their ability to provide for their families; as a Black woman, I experience trauma as I hear about the attacks on Black and Brown bodies, and I am exhausted by the pressure of still needing to show up in professional spaces and appear unaffected by it all.

Anxiety for people of color is nothing new, we have just become highly skilled at masking it. As a woman of color, and a first-generation college student, my existence in a predominantly white world and in mostly affluent spaces had led me to feel a sense of foreignness. My anxiety shows up in imposter syndrome as I ruminate over thoughts of whether I deserve to be here, did I say the right thing? Or will people simply notice that I am imposter by how I talk and move throughout the world. Many people just like myself realized at a very early age that anxiety was very much part of their everyday existence.

I know part of living and coping with anxiety is learning to decipher lies from rational thoughts and fears. Many of us develop lies or falsehoods to fit a narrative about ourselves and our abilities. We tell ourselves we are not productive enough; we do not deserve our accomplishments and we are not worthy.

These thoughts may be even more persistent as we manage a global health pandemic. While we have been forced to slow down, we experience guilt when we do so. The idea of taking a break is replaced with thoughts that we need to be constantly busy, constantly working and constantly producing. We watch as people lose their jobs and their loved ones; and we begin to take on their loss as our own so we continue to work, and continue to exhaust our energy out of fear of losing something or someone.

It is the scarcity mentality that COVID-19 has created that makes us feel as if we cannot be comfortable with stillness or idleness. This mentality forces our identity to be tied to our jobs and material possessions. If we are not tied to these things, our lives have little value.

I evaluate these lies against my rational thoughts. My rational thoughts are valid but nonetheless exhausting. I worry about K-12 students returning in the fall. I stress over the digital divide and the lack of access to technological resources for remote learning. I agonize over family members and friends who refuse to take this virus seriously. Part of coping with anxiety is also replacing the lies I tell myself with positive self-talk, while simultaneously recognizing and sitting with my rational thoughts, and realizing, as much as I would like to, I cannot solve the world’s problems on my own. Therapy has helped me tremendously in how I think about myself, my place in the world, and how I can develop proactive and healthy ways to deal with the uncertainty of a global health pandemic.

I know that some of us have found the silver lining in COVID-19. We have been forced to slow down and not run ourselves to the ground of near burn-out and exhaustion. We are spending more time at home and with our families, we are focusing on overall wellness, and we may even find ourselves more productive and focused on work responsibilities.

I have taken great pride in being able to be more intentional about how I spend and allocate my time. I find myself taking breaks throughout the day, focusing on projects attentively with minimal distractions, and cooking dinner instead of opting for takeout. My day is no longer encumbered by lengthy commutes between meetings.

At the same time, work has transformed as a shield from confronting the realities of my own anxiety, and COVID-19. I use work to block out the noise, even if it is just temporary. For 10 hours a day, work allows me to remain detached and oblivious to the happenings of the world. American standards of professionalism tell us that we must privilege productivity over idleness, we must be emotionally unaffected and unmoved. The constant Zoom meetings do not provide one an opportunity to think, feel or reflect. I realize that work has made me temporarily emancipated and isolated from my own anxiety.

Reflecting on my own identity and historical teachings on mental health, I realize that many of us have been forced to quiet those anxious thoughts, and not talk openly about them.

As you wake up every day and try to figure out how to manage your anxiety, please know I am right there with you. I do not have it all figured out either, and that makes me anxious. What I do know is that now more than ever we need solidarity, solidarity in knowing you and your anxious thoughts are not alone.

Follow Herald columnist Ciera Graham on Twitter @CieraGrahamPhD.