By Sid Schwab / Herald columnist
Transcript: Mar-a-Lago; Aug. 23, 2023 (Some words may have been mis-transcribed):
Serial Conspirator, Unindicted Malefactor No. 1: “If I may suggest, Your Heinous, can you tilt your chin down just a bit more? If you’ll note in the mirror, chins three and four are still showing.”
No. PO1135809: “I make the best tilt. No one knows tilting like me. People are saying.”
SCUM No. 1: “Yes, sir. Of course. We’ll just raise your collar and tighten the tie. There. See? Gone like that Iraq invasion plan. Now try turning your eyes upward. Like Nicholson in “The Shining.” That’ll be a perfect pose” (tinyurl.com/jackn4u).
PO1135809: “Perfect as my phone calls.” [Reaches for cheeseburger.]
SCUM No. 1: “More glower, too, Your Disgrace. Not just anger. Your people want menace. That ‘I’m coming after you’ vibe. They’ll eat it up. Open their wallets.”
PO1135809: “Easy. Watch this.” [Thinks Stormy Daniels, mushrooms.]
SCUM No. 1: “Excellent! That’s it, Your Loudship. If there wasn’t going to be a mugshot, we’d make that one. Gold mine.”
PO1135809: “Shirts, trading cards. Posters. NFTs. So much easier than selling steaks and vodka, hiring professors, owning casinos. Shoulda run years ago. Best sc… cashflow ever. Can you make my eyebrows flare upward?”
SCUM No. 2: “Here’s some gel, Your Travesty. Now, about merchandizing. Templates are ready, soon as the mugshot is released. Xi’s charging a buck-fifty for the shirts, so I’m thinking we sell for $25.”
PO1135809: “No way. $35 minimum. They’ll pay anything. They think I’m God-given. If I believed in Him, I would, too.”
SCUM No. 2: “$35 it is, Your Holeyness. Now we need a slogan. That ‘coming after you’ thing works. Proud Boys love it. Plus, it’s a double entendre that women might like.”
PO1135809: “Who’s Double Aunt Andre? Anyway, no. Never surrender. Means whatever you want. The best words. Got Vlad’s go-ahead.”
SCUM No. 2: “Right you are, Miser Precedent. As always.”
PO1135809: “Can we fit in something about the Presidential Records Act? It’s one of my favorite lies. Lines. I meant lines.”
SCUM No. 1: “Too wordy for a T-shirt, Empire. Maybe a poster.”
PO1135809: “Do it. I hear I can report my own height and weight. Gonna go with 6-3, 215. [SCUM No. 2 coughs.] Plenty of believers. They make pictures of me as Superman, y’know. [Gloms another cheeseburger.] Now about the motorcade. Secret Service, all in. Where are we with Fulton County? I want 50 cars. Flashing lights. More than Kim, MBS.”
SCUM No. 3: “Working on it. Fifty might not float, though, Your Warship. They’re saying 30, 35 tops.”
PO1135809: “Not good enough. Remind them I know things. They’ll cave like loser Lindsey did. Well, maybe if they let me push the siren button…”
•••
Transcript: Somewhere in Columbus, Ohio, a couple years ago:
Vivek Ramaswamy: “I’m bored. Any ideas?”
Pal No. 1: “I dunno. Movie?”
VR: “Nah. Think I’ll run for president.”
Pal No. 1 “Wow, OK. Wow. You know you haven’t voted much, Viv. Could be a problem. But, hey, why not? You’re rich. Which party are you thinking?”
VR: “Good question. I’ve given money to both. Thing is, Democrats’ policies are complicated. I’d need to do a lot of reading, harder to fake it. Republicans, it’s simple, snappy. Buzzwords. Look at Trump. Barely political, registered Democrat. Was even pro-choice (obviously). Flipped Republican, realized fear and resentment would work. Genius. They loved the lies, ignored his past. Doesn’t even speak in actual sentences. I haven’t voted much? BFD. I’ll say what Trump says, but smarter. Make a list, reel it off every chance I get. Maybe add a couple more. If I sound Trumpy enough, my name thing goes away.”
Pal No. 2 “Brilliant. How ‘bout these, just spitballin’ here: God is real. There are two genders. Human flourishing requires fossil fuels. Reverse racism is racism. An open border is no border. Parents determine the education of their children. The nuclear family is the greatest form of governance known to mankind. Capitalism lifts people up from poverty. There are three branches of the U.S. government, not four. The U.S. Constitution is the strongest guarantor of freedoms in history” (Fox News: tinyurl.com/list4vivek).
VR: “Excellent. Little wordy, couple of them, clunky, but hits the notes. Profound-sounding. Thing is, the Constitution confuses me. Maybe leave that one out. Also, why not five branches? More punchy, get them talking. And let’s not mention fossil fuels. I don’t mind cheating and pandering, but look around. …” (X: tinyurl.com/2cheat4viv)
Pal No. 2: “Yeah, we get that. But if you want Republican votes and oil money, rednecks in pickups, Laura Ingraham, Alex Jones, you gotta deny climate change, no question. We can afford air conditioning. Not our problem.”
VR: “Yeah, you’re right. Let’s do it. Maybe I’ll flash my cool-guy rap skills, get the young vote. If I say Trump was the best president ever, will people ask why I’m running against him? No? Good. OK. Now, Russian TV will be easy. How do we get on Fox?” (Crooks and Liars: tinyurl.com/2getRTV)
•••
Transcript: Speaker’s office, today:
Speaker in Name Only: “Still no evidence.”
MTG: “Impeach.”
SINO: “OK.”
Email Sid Schwab at columnsid@gmail.com.
Talk to us
> Give us your news tips.
> Send us a letter to the editor.
> More Herald contact information.
