By Jon Bauer and Mark Carlson
While most of us count sheep, the folks at The Washington Post added up the false and misleading claims by President Trump in his 466 days in office. The tally: 3,001. We believe The Buzz still has him beat in terms of number of false statements, but we’ve been at this longer. He’s bound to pass us soon.
But let’s add a few more to our tally:
I said, “Doctor, Mr. M.D.”: Donald Trump’s former personal physician, Dr. Harold Bornstein, said that in December, 2015, Trump dictated a statement supposedly from the doctor regarding the presidential candidate’s health that said, in part: “If elected, Mr. Trump, I can state unequivocally, will be the healthiest individual ever elected to the presidency” and that Trump’s “physical strength and stamina are extraordinary.”
Recently released school records also revealed a note that asked school officials to “please excuse The Donald because of a big league headache that was caused by his worrying about fake news from the failing class tattletale that he didn’t do his homework — which he did and is amazing — and will be turned in soon, he promises you that.” The note is signed by “Mrs. The Donald’s Mother.”
Thanks, there, Rudy: The newest member of President Trump’s legal team, Rudy Giuliani, surprised many by contradicting his own client earlier in the week that the president had, in fact, reimbursed Michael Cohen, the lawyer who paid Stormy Daniel’s $130,000 in a non-disclosure agreement over an alleged sexual tryst. By Friday, Trump appeared to correct Giuliani and said, “He’ll get his facts straight.”
America’s Mayor™ was last seen in a room that has gotten a lot of use in Trump’s White House: the Anthony Scaramucci Memorial Departure Lounge.
Where are your cuneiform styluses? Hobby Lobby, the national chain of craft stores, has returned some 3,800 artifacts to Iraq, including Sumerian cuneiform tablets dating to 2100 B.C., after U.S. customs officials determined the items had been illegally smuggled out of the Middle East.
Hobby Lobby agreed to return the antiquities after the retailer determined that the clay tablets weren’t proving to be popular among the stores’ scrapbook enthusiasts.
Forgive me, father: The Rev. Pat Conroy, a Snohomish County native and Jesuit priest who has served as chaplain in the U.S. House of Representatives, has returned to his post after he was forced to resign last month by House Speaker Paul Ryan. Ryan, who attended a Catholic school as a boy, reversed himself after Conroy said he intended to fight for the position.
It didn’t hurt that Conroy was supported in his stand by a nun, arms crossed and holding a ruler.
Please remove your shoes before entering: The keynote address at last week’s White House Correspondents’ Dinner by comedian Michelle Wolf was widely panned for Wolfs’ biting comments about White House Press Secretary Sarah Huckabee Sanders and others. The correspondents’ association, itself, said the routine wasn’t in keeping with its mission “not to divide people.”
The association promised to find entertainment for next year’s dinner that is more in tune with that mission and will rent a bouncy house and a pony. (Sarah gets the first ride.)
You load 16 terabytes and whaddya get? Bitcoin miners have become belligerent in Wenatchee after their power was turned off by the Chelan PUD for unauthorized use of electricity. The “mining” of cryptocurrency, using rooms full of computer servers, requires vast amounts of electricity. The PUD says confrontations with miners haven’t required law enforcement to be called.
Angry computer coders, the PUD said, can usually be calmed with a bag of Flamin’ Hot Cheetos and a promise they can play Fortnite for two hours before they go to bed.
Jon Bauer: firstname.lastname@example.org