Getting squirrely in spring
Published 12:01 am Monday, March 21, 2011
Spring is here, regardless of the sogginess level. Let’s look at the blooming headlines:
•”Squirrel attacking residents of Vermont neighborhood”: Described as gray by a victim, and renegade by the press, the squirrel reportedly jumped on a man shoveling snow, and got pushy with others as well.
The story went ballistic, because it’s fun writing headlines such as “Rogue squirrel running amok in Vermont” (Alaska Dispatch) and “Squirrel goes nuts, terrorizes Vt. neighborhood.”
Some investigating, however, revealed that the squirrel is a pet operative of Howard Dean, former Vermont governor and chairman emeritus of the Democratic Party. While governor, Dean oversaw a program that ensures universal health care for children and pregnant women in the state.
Turns out the squirrel’s timely attacks — bringing with them worldwide attention — were part of a Dean scheme to try and get the media to also notice actual news: “Vermont committee approves universal health care.”
That’s for all Vermonters. Including those attacked by squirrels. With that crossing-the-street gene still evolving, the squirrels themselves remain stuck with private insurance.
•”Study: Crossing street while using cellphone more difficult for seniors“: Oh, heavens to Betsy. And OMG, as if it’s just seniors. Our apologies to the squirrels. Kudos always to Charles Darwin.
“American Airlines: Lighter beverage carts will save $5 million in fuel costs“: It might also save some flight attendants’ arms and shoulders, as they lug those bruisers up and down the aisle, and even some passengers’ shins and knees.
“Berlusconi: I’m too old for so much sex“: So says Italy’s 74-year-old premier, telling a newspaper that his age precludes him from having all the sexual encounters of which he is accused.
“Even though I am a little mischievous … 33 girls in two months seems like too much even for a 30-year-old,” Berlusconi said, apparently unable to find an Italian translation of Wilt Chamberlain’s second autobiography “A View from Above.”
Meanwhile, would-be presidential candidate Newt Gringrich issued a press release saying the Italian leader obviously just didn’t love his country enough.
•”Kids’ musical instruments booming with bacteria“: No surprise here, researchers just wanted to see exactly how gross those things are.
They studied 13 instruments from a high school band. Six had been played the previous week and seven hadn’t been played in a month. They found 442 different bacteria, 58 types of mold and 19 types of yeast. Woodwinds were dirtier than brass instruments. Clarinets were the filthiest of all.
A little spring sterilizing, anyone?
