Make every day Saturday
Published 1:00 pm Sunday, January 1, 2012
Welcome to Day Two of 2012. It’s a brand new year; we’re trying it on to see how it fits. Does the fabric of your life need to stretch, tighten, or undergo major alterations? As always, let’s accessorize Monday with funky headlines:
•”Proposed calendar would make it same exact day, next year”: Apparently having major holidays on different days of the week each year is too complicated, so some tidy professors developed a Permanent Calendar that would “simplify things enormously.”
For example, Christmas would always fall on Sunday; Halloween would be Oct. 30 and always a Monday. Simplify things? Perhaps, if that means “make it boring.” We wager that the people who favor the Permanently Uptight Calendar, might also like to visit the destination in the next headline:
•”Idaho man’s Museum of Clean ready to shine”: This will appeal to those proud to admit they are a “bit” obsessive/compulsive about cleaning. In fact, competitive cleaners might visit such a museum with the goal of finding some dust or smudge that the museum’s founder, Don Aslett, aka the Dean of Clean, may have missed. Good times.
Inquiring, less-cleaning-oriented minds may wonder how Aslett’s psyche would hold up if some truly grubby dude opened up a “Museum of Really Grody Things” across the street.
•”5 tech solutions to help avoid procrastination”: Yep, that’s it — a lack of gadgets is why we put things off.
“Amazon sold over a million Kindles per week in December”: OK, if they say so. It’s the online retailer’s annual tradition to make such announcements after Christmas, without context or concrete numbers. Hmmm. Maybe newspapers could boost circulation if Amazon sold subscriptions.
”Gun fires from girl’s purse in Wyoming Starbucks”: Ah, the wild, wild West is alive and well. Police found a gunshot hole in the teen’s purse and a small, Derringer-type, double-barrel .38 Special inside. The gun was a gift from her father who wanted her to carry it for protection; he failed, however, to give her firearms training classes.
These are some made up things the young Calamity Jane absolutely did not say:
— “I’ll give you my purse when you pry it from my cold, manicured hands.”
— “Dance, barista, dance!”
— “I’m invoking my Dick Cheney/Wyoming right to one gun accident per decade.”
— “I said I wanted a double shot!”
•”2 face indecency charges after nude McDonald’s run”: Police arrested a 19-year-old man and a 21-year-old woman after their clothing-free trip through the drive-through. Among things the cashier was not heard to say:
— “No shirt, no shoes, no McNuggets.”
— “Looks like you guys left home in a McFlurry.”
— “Would you like to supersize that?”
