White whale just hungry
Published 12:33 pm Sunday, June 17, 2012
Like a rainy day swim lesson, let’s dive right into the pool of headlines:
•”Grapefruit-sized organ helps whales swallow big mouthfuls”: Is this something humans are in danger of chomping toward, evolution-wise?
”Tons of pot found floating off Southern Calif.”: No, that’s not why the whales developed their able-to-swallow-big-mouthfuls organ.
”U.S. scientists host ‘bake sale for NASA’”: More than a dozen universities held shoe shines, car washes and bake sales, AFP reported. But it turns out the money isn’t really going to NASA, organizers said. It’s to be used to raise awareness in Congress to restore funding to NASA.
Someone please tell the scientists that while a noble idea, they are a quite few million MoonPies short of having any influence in Super PAC-land, formerly known as Congress.
•”Apple’s Siri comes to cars”: “Siri, am I driving a Mercedes-Benz?” “For the millionth time, yes! And before you ask, yes, you are the fairest in the land.”
”China to send its first woman to space”: This is an article about a female fighter pilot, not the country’s one-child policy.
”Bellevue Square plans to expand”: In a new strategy to keep people in their cars and helicopters, Kemper Freeman says he’s long planned to build wherever the light rail is supposed to go.
”Plan for handling bad bosses: Treat them like toddlers”: Inquiring if they need to take a “time out” is likely to backfire, however. Ditto suggesting a diaper change, a nap, or a binky.
”Phil Jackson: ‘There might be’ job he’d take, rips Knicks”: Politics isn’t the only arena where term limits sounds like a good, Zen-like idea.
”At Starbucks, uncertainty over impact of Mayor Bloomberg’s drink plan”: Because “grande” is just another way of saying “Super-size that sugary Frappuccino.”
”Manliest cameras for Father’s Day”: The manliest camera? A review on digitalcamerainfo.com informs us that women can choose from a dozen (presumably “feminine”) pastel-colored, purse-ready pocket shooters, but men have far fewer manly camera options.
We wondered, and were afraid, to discover what makes a camera manly. The reviewer confirms our suspicions:
Manly cameras include “class-leading specs and uncompromising designs,” and are “the toughest, the fastest, or generally the most-est.” OK. Oh, did we leave out one descriptor? Guesses, anyone?
As Alex Trebek would inform, “Sorry. The answer we were looking for is ‘the longest,’ ‘the longest.’”
•”Graceland marks 30th year as tourist attraction”: That translates into roughly 18 million visitors, all doing their very best, “Thank you, thank you very much.”
Have a whale of a Monday. Remember not to swim or spout off on a full stomach.
