Dance to music by ‘Corned Beef & Cabbage’

Published 12:14 pm Saturday, March 16, 2013

1. Who among us has an appropriate reason, the wherewithal, and the proper footwear, to dance a jig from now, Saint Patrick’s day, (also, Selection Sunday for college basketball teams going to the “big dance”) until Wednesday, the first day of spring? Let’s hornpipe and reel through the headlines:

•”Vets save NYC dog who swallowed 111 pennies”: After the surgery, the dog, a Jack Russell terrier named Jack, unburied an old joke to match the originality of his name: “They didn’t really taste very good … but there were so many of them!”

• ”New Jersey bakery sells mislabeled goods and is shut down by the FDA”: Dough! It turns out Butterfly Bakery’s “sugar-free” items actually contain sugar. The company faces charges of faulty labeling, and improper ripping off of the famous “Seinfeld” fat-free yogurt episode.

• ”Mich. minor-league team to offer bacon-shell taco”: Whew. Glad to see inventive American cuisine hasn’t been hampered by all those food “nannies” who encourage vegetable gardens.

• ”Candied bacon Brussels sprouts”: If a vegetable requires candy and bacon to be palatable, it must be good for you. If we can send a man to the moon, and invent Tang, can’t farmers come up with a Brussels sprout variety that already tastes like candy and bacon?

• ”Twinkies buyer says cakes could return by summer”: Farmers are working feverishly on a new broccoli-studded variety, so they can wrap it in bacon.

• ”Swedish touch doesn’t save ‘Dead Man Down’”: Turns out this is a movie review, not a massage or medical practice review.

• ”More employers setting up nap rooms for weary workers”: Which may explain some of the growing resistance to the subset of people “who work from home” but who seem so well rested, and well, not that busy.

• ”Coach Bobby Knight on why he’s so unpleasant”: Well, currently, it’s because he’s promoting his book, “The Power of Negative Thinkng.” (Published by Tantrum Press.)

• ”Study: Facebook ‘likes’ reveal intimate personal information”: Like stuff you like?

• ”Sarah Palin to write Christmas book”: Yes, because she can see the North Pole from her home in Alaska…

• ”My rocket’s bigger than yours … the multibillionaires trying to win the space race”: Apparently among the “super rich,” having a rocketship is the latest, greatest, most coveted status symbol. Even if highly illogical, the only proper response is, “Aye, aye, Captain.”

• ”CERN physicists now pretty sure they’ve found Higgs boson”: Given that the exacting nature of the hard sciences requires specific language to convey incontrovertible results, the news that the physicists are “now pretty sure” sounds a little underwhelming, more appropriate to a lesser announcement such as, “CERN physicists now pretty sure they want grilled cheese for lunch.”

• ”Henrik Fisker quits plug-in car company he founded”: The vehicle designer created the Karma, a $100,000-plus plug-in luxury car, which has been beset with problems since its inception in 2007, including a car that broke down before Consumer Reports reviewers could begin official testing. Nevertheless, refusing to learn its karmic lesson, the automotive company said it would blunder on with plans for its luxury plug-in RV, the Nirvana-vanagon.

• “Miele’s new color signals a continued shift away from stainless finishes”: Seems all those stainless steel appliances show fingerprints and smudges like nobody’s business. So, for a more practical approach to attain a smudgeless kitchen, Miele introduces … appliances with a “Brilliant White Plus” finish. Gee, the perfect solution to the fingerprint problem. Just remember to don your Brilliant White Plus gloves before entering the kitchen.

• ”N.Y. assemblyman ticketed for marijuana, speeding”: Assemblyman Steve Katz, 59, last year voted against a bill that would have legalized medical marijuana in New York. Hmm. Any chance Katz happened to be driving a Karma?

Filling out a bracket of weekend chores won’t make them any more fun. But betting might. (“I’ll wager you a carpool turn that daughter Cindy leaves fingerprints on the fridge exactly two minutes after I finish wiping it down.” “What’s the over-under?”)

Carol MacPherson: 425-339-3472, cmacpherson@heraldnet.com