Motherhood is a constant test; here’s how to keep score

Published 4:12 pm Friday, May 8, 2015

Conception is only the beginning. Let’s see how deeply motherhood has scarred your soul. Give yourself credit for every description that applies to you …

Bodily Fluids

• You’ve done a “sniff check” to see if your baby needed a diaper change: 10 points.

• You’ve survived a poopcapocalypse in a public space: 20 points.

• Your child vomited in the car: 30 points.

• Your child vomited on you: 50 points.

• Your child pooped in the bathtub with a sibling present: 100 points.

Home Contamination

• Your dishware collection includes “Make a Plate” artwork: 10 points.

• Your bathtub looks like Toys ‘R’ Us flooded: 20 points.

• Stuffed animals breed while you go grocery shopping: 30 points.

• You’ve stepped on Legos in bare feet: 50 points.

• Sharpies are forever: 100 points.

Style, or Lack Thereof

• Right now, at this very moment, your hair is in a ponytail: 10 points.

• You own a pair of clogs: 20 points.

• There are toys, crayons and fruit leather in your washable purse: 30 points.

• In an attempt to not wear mom-jeans you’ve accidentally flashed somebody your butt: 50 points.

• Your child is 10 times more stylish than you: 100 points.

Orifices

• You’ve baby-proofed the electrical sockets in your house: 10 points.

• You’ve been to the ER to extract something from your child’s nose: 20 points.

• Your child thinks cigarettes are disgusting: 30 points.

• Thanks to your clear explanation, your child understands sex-ed: 50 points.

• You’ve considered having an accessible box of prophylactics in your house that’s filled with teenagers: 100 points.

Scary Stuff

• You’ve received a robocall that your child’s school was on lockdown: 10 points.

• You’ve lost count of how many robocalls you’ve received: 20 points.

• Your heart has almost stopped watching your child go up a ski lift: 30 points.

• You’ve taught your child how to drive: 50 points.

• You thank God for Seattle Children’s Hospital in your prayers: 100 points.

Time Marches Across Your Forehead

• Your child’s high school diploma is stored someplace in your garage: 10 points.

• You need your child’s help to fix your computer: 20 points.

• Forget vacations, you’re still paying for your child’s wedding: 30 points.

• You miss bedtime snuggles: 50 points.

• If you close your eyes and really concentrate, you still remember your baby’s smell: 100 points.

Final Tally

0-420: Mothering Novice. Your nursing bra is open and you may or may not have noticed. You deserve a 4-hour nap and the chance to visit the restroom all by yourself.

421-840: Mothering Sustainer. You’ve said to yourself on more than one occasion “At least chicken nuggets have protein.” Today you deserve breakfast in bed while your family cleans the house.

840-1260: Mothering Veteran. The kid’s CD in your minivan belongs to your grandchildren. Open your collection of cards with glee. You inspire us all.