Learning to love and let live old features of my 1984 home

Published 1:30 am Saturday, July 2, 2016

Why am I, like so many Americans, obsessed with making older homes look like they were newly constructed?

Nobody sneers at Victorian houses that retain Victorian charm. Certain homes from the 1960s have mid-century modern panache. But if style gurus from television had their way, homes from all other decades would be gutted so that they all looked similar. Everyone would have granite countertops, and the only difference would be color and backsplash.

We treat houses and people the same way. All of us, at some point, have looked in our bathroom mirror and thought: “I’m really showing my age. Nobody looks likes this anymore. I should be thinner. I should be taller. I should have darker or lighter skin. My hair should be curlier or straighter. I should be younger. Nobody would want me looking like this.”

Demolition is easy. Acceptance is a whole lot harder.

I am an American with an ugly bathroom. Every day when I brush my teeth, I travel back in time. My 1984 bathroom taunts me. The black tile with beige grout, the crystallite faucets, the sunken tub outlined with heart-shaped tulips, the tiny shower in a coffin-sized room. It’s like I live in an endless rerun of “Family Ties” with Michael J. Fox and I never get to go back to the future.

“Our bathroom is great,” my husband says. For him, form follows function. He’s thankful that we have double sinks, so my disgusting toothpaste manners don’t encroach on his personal space.

My mind, by comparison, has been conditioned by HGTV. I imagine ruthless homebuyers bashing our master bathroom with cameras running. “It’s like we stepped onto the set of ‘Designing Women,’ ” the wife would say. “Why is the bathtub so big and the shower so small? Could that dinky hot water heater in the garage fill this tub up?”

Actually, no, it can’t, which is why we rarely use the bathtub. It’s a white-elephant swimming pool I use to sort laundry.

But 30 years ago, somebody was delighted by that bathtub. Maybe it reminded the decorator of the movie “Splash” starring Tom Hanks and Daryl Hannah. Someone chose the heart-shaped tulip tiles as an elegant design statement that perfectly matched the wallpaper, mini-blinds and brass light fixtures. Go get the salt! Madison has room to unfurl her mermaid tail.

There are a lot of things about the 1980s that don’t make sense, like why I thought Bill Cosby was the best dad ever, but one thing I have brought with me from childhood is the need to fiercely protect the ozone layer. I’m so old that I was born before recycling trucks were invented. But in the 1980s, I learned the importance of protecting Mother Earth.

Ripping up a perfectly good bathroom, just because it’s ugly, wouldn’t be very good for the planet. Although, gosh darn it, getting rid of those tulip tiles sure would be rad.

Jennifer Bardsley is an Edmonds mom of two, and author of the book “Genesis Girl.” Find her online on Instagram @the_ya_gal, Twitter @jennbardsley or at teachingmybabytoread.com.