Saving time for something
Published 12:38 pm Sunday, March 11, 2012
If St. Patrick sees his shadow on Saturday, that means Daylight Saving Time will be in effect every other week until April Fools Day. Let’s hop like a bunny through some headlines:
•”Lipstick-sized inhalable caffeine target of FDA warning”: Are we really that tired, and in that much of a hurry, that inhaling caffeine sounds like a good idea? What, no caffeine patch with which to wean oneself from one’s inhaled caffeine habit?
”81-year-old is $336 million Powerball winner”: Louise White of Newport, R.I., who won the sixth largest jackpot in U.S. history, says she is “very happy” and “very proud.” White, however, has since been overwhelmed with invitations from male senior citizens seeking to “friend” her.
”Officer probed for moving mattresses on patrol car”: Miami citizens were dubious of the officer’s explanation of a new “Tempur-Pedic Vehicle Nap Safety System,” operated with modified Sleep Number Bed controls.
”Miss Seattle apologizes for city-bashing tweet”: Miss Seattle Jean-Sun Hannah Ahn said she had a bad day back in December when she tweeted, “Ugh can’t stand cold rainy Seattle and the annoying people.” Ahn said she was just complaining about the weather like any Seattle native and didn’t mean that people in Seattle are annoying.
OK, sure. And we think pageants are annoying. Oh wait, we didn’t mean that pageants are annoying, that’s just what we said.
It turns out Ahn is a former Miss Phoenix who graduated from Arizona State University. Who knew that pageant contestants go from state to state racking up “Miss” city titles? Miss Seattle, formerly of Phoenix, apparently now formerly of Seattle, too.
•”Hulk Hogan’s attorney issues sex tape warning”: Because nobody wants to see that.
”Coke, Pepsi make changes to avoid cancer warning”: Because nobody wants to drink that.
”German paper banishes front-page topless models”: Shoot, another traditional newspaper business model goes bust.
”Toddler’s tantrum gets family booted from JetBlue flight”: The airline said only its flight attendants get to have tantrums, and slide down the emergency exit.
”Jealous Osama wives may have betrayed hideout, caused his death”: Those sneaky Navy Seals spread gossip until the harem turned on itself.
”Fisker Karma breaks down in Consumer Reports testing”: The company paid more than $100,000 for the brand new luxury hybrid, but it broke down before official testing began. Maybe that’s what you get when you name a car “Karma.”
”Women players must button up during chess championships”: The European Women’s Championship is telling players to dress conservatively, and not for an evening out. Because, you know, it’s not the chest championships. Or the front page of a newspaper.
