Of Prince, charity and kidney stones
Published 12:07 pm Wednesday, November 18, 2009
TODAY’S LINEUP
A daily look at the top five stories in this morning’s edition of The Herald
1. Does this mean he’s being downgraded to Prince?
The Mariners’ Felix Hernandez came up short — shorter than expected, if you ask The Closer — in his bid for a Cy Young. The award ended up going to a Kansas City Royals pitcher whose best pitch may well have been the ability to keep the Royals somewhat relevant. KC can have its Zack Greinke. We’ll take our King Felix, thank you.
2. Here’s a tip: No more .240-hitting forty-somethings
Speaking of the M’s, manager Don Wakamatsu has already started thinking ahead to next season. He could start by cloning Felix Hernandez and taking away the clubhouse keys of anyone whose name rhymes with Mooniesky Metancourt.
3. Maybe we should change their name to the Everett Boy Scouts
The Everett Silvertips get the good deed award after this gesture of good faith. If we were all this kind, the world would be a better place. And The Closer would have been shipped off to Pluto years ago.
4. But when will they start playing the 2008-09 season?
The UW women’s basketball team is set to play its home opener tonight. Unless they’re planning on using the Elizabeth Lambert defensive scheme, they’re probably not beating BYU.
5. The Closer would take a month off, thank you
UW women’s basketball player Kristi Kingma had a unique excuse for sitting out Saturday’s road game at Portland State. Kingma was suffering from kidney stones. No word yet on whether she’s suffering from denture irritation or varicose veins.
THE WARMUP PITCH
When can we start calling them Holmgren’s Zeroes?
Another one of Mike Holmgren’s former assistants was fired Tuesday, which leaves only Andy Reid and Jim “Wait While We Check the Washington Post’s Web site To Make Sure He’s Still Employed Today” Zorn as former Holmgren assistants who are leading NFL teams. Mariucci, Mornhinwhig, Rhodes, Gruden, Sherman and Jauron have all moved on. And we’re still trying to figure out when Eric Mangini coached under Holmgren. Oh, and the Bills replaced Dick Jauron by hiring the lead singer of Jane’s Addiction.
Twenty-four hours of heaven
ESPN made The Closer’s day by televising 24 consecutive hours of college hoops on Tuesday. Among the highlights were near upsets of No. 1 Kansas and No. 2 Michigan State. The Closer is so burnt about Gonzaga’s near miss that he’s not going to go through the weekly routine of sending Mark Few a mixed tape of love songs this week.
All they told him was to please pick up Dick Jauron at the airport
Notre Dame coach Charlie Weis seems to be the only man in America who thinks the Irish have yet to decide on their future coaching situation. The only comment Bill Belichick has on his former assistant’s situation is that Weis is looking at fourth-and-2 and a six-point lead.
He might want to get a refund from the pharmacy
Wide receiver Dwayne Bowe of the hapless Kansas City Chiefs has been suspended four games after testing positive for a banned substance. He’s the second Chiefs player suspended for using a banned substance in the last month … if you count Twitter as a substance, that is.
‘And about that holding penalty: it’s not like he kicked the guy in the head!’
Tennessee football coach Lane Kiffin is on the defensive again, and this time even his Cover-2-minded dad can’t bail him out. The Volunteers are getting in trouble at such a furious rate that the Cincinnati Bengals have already extended a half dozen contracts.
CURVE BALLS
The wild and wacky news from the world of sports …
Two guys The Closer wouldn’t want mad at him
Terrell Suggs and Ray Lewis are mad at Cleveland Browns quarterback Brady Quinn for a hit that could put an end to Suggs’s season. The Closer says it was the only hit the Browns made all night.
Next week, they’re playing against a wheelchair team
Some former New England Patriots players have come under fire for roughing up a bunch of 17-year-olds in a charity basketball game. We’d love to see these washed-up has-beens try their antics in the WHL.
And that thumb-to-nose gesture was meant purely out of respect …
Two of the Pac-10’s most annoying football coaches are bickering this week after Stanford’s Jim Harbaugh got creative in the waning minutes of the Cardinal’s blowout win over Pete Carroll’s USC Trojans. Harbaugh said he meant nothing by it. The Closer also meant nothing by it when he told The Seattle Times to stick their so-called newspaper where the sun don’t shine.
‘Next time you cut in line at an all-you-can-eat buffet, I swear I’m gonna …’
Kansas football coach/’Biggest Loser’ candidate Mark Mangino is in trouble after poking one of his players in the chest. The school is now looking at past allegations from thousands of ex-Jayhawks that Mangino addressed them while continually bumping them with his stomach.
THE RUNDOWN
The college basketball season got kicked off right on Tuesday: with twenty-four HOURS of basketball. The Closer can only think of five things he would rather see on a 24-hour cycle:
5. Ron Artest at The Palace: We usually don’t condone violence at The Bullpen. But just for these 24 hours … with a full house … we don’t even need the Pistons to show up.
4. Russian women’s strip tennis: Maria Sharapova, that ball was out. Please remove your left shoe.
3. Dancing with Paul Wulff: He teaches the finer points of that Apple Cup celebration, followed by a two-step move out of Pullman.
2. Dennis Green press conferences: ‘Coach Green, we hear that you liked to overlook your opponents.’ Press play … and enjoy.
1. The 2001 Mariners season: Only without that nuisance known as the postseason.
