If there is a Santa Claus, here’s how he could help

Published 9:00 pm Monday, December 20, 2004

I believe I was about 6 when I noticed that Santa sure looked a lot like my dad.

It happened one Christmas Eve, long after my bedtime, when I peeked into the living room and saw him struggling to put some toy together. As I remember, “Ho, ho, ho” weren’t the words I heard.

I began putting 2 and 2 together when I found that toy under the tree the next morning.

Still, there are times when it feels good to think back to when I believed.

Were I to act on that feeling, here’s a letter I’d send Santa this year:

Dear Santa:

If this letter makes it to you in time, I’d like to ask for a few things that may seem strange at first, but I can explain them all.

First, I’d really like a uniform and accurate voting system throughout America so that we could figure out whom it is we’ve elected.

This can’t be an impossible wish, Santa. The New York Stock Exchange handles millions of trades every day and tallies them within hours.

FedEx, UPS and DHL not only ship a gazillion packages a day, but also know their whereabouts at any given time.

Credit card companies monitor more transactions than Boeing has rivets and – if one looks odd – call and warn you about it.

With all of that, Santa, it seems that our elected officials (of both persuasions) still can’t (won’t?) get a uniform system up and running. The less trusting amongst us may soon begin to wonder why this is so. Tarring and feathering will likely begin shortly after understanding dawns.

So, would you have one? If so, we could sure use it.

This next request is important.

If you have the time, could you stop by at the local branch of a company called Ingersoll-Rand?

I called them the other day and – I hope you’re sitting down – a human being actually answered the phone.

She told me it was a new policy. The company had assigned someone familiar with the place to answer the phone, see whom the caller needed to talk to, find out if that person was available, and get them on the line.

You probably don’t have to deal with answering systems and menus that lead everywhere but where you want to go but, if you did, you’d understand the need to make a special stop. They’re down in South Seattle. Be generous, please.

On the naughty side, I hope you have a lot of coal handy because this will require a load.

It seems that the folks who control such things are about to allow cell phones to be used on airplanes.

Used to be you could try to pass the hours in aluminum hell by reading, sleeping or watching a movie. Now there’s a chance that some inconsiderate bozo seated next to you – fresh from ruining a movie, a wedding, a funeral or a meal at a restaurant – will be shouting into one of these abominations for the entire flight.

Since snatching them bald is out, I was thinking coal, Santa. And a double helping for those who are about to allow it.

Finally, could you bring every major corporation in America a grandmother to sit on their board?

The best ones would be those who have a raft of grandkids, had been through some rough times in their lives, know how to bake a mean pie, and can banish tears with a hug and the corner of their apron. No nonsense and a willingness to speak their minds would be a given.

Some corporations seem clueless, Santa. A proper grandmother could help when the big guys were about to make a dumb decision.

For instance, let’s say a retailer like Target suddenly chose to banish Salvation Army bell ringers.

“So, it’s decided then?”

“What’s decided, honey?”

“No Salvation Army bell ringers outside our stores at Christmas.”

“Do what (that’s grandma talk for ‘Do what?’)?”

“Well, if we let one group collect, we have to let them all do it.”

“Says who? And even if you did, so what? Couldn’t you put some of these nice vice presidents here to working out a schedule for sharing time and space? Lord have mercy, I think I’ve seen more sense in a mud fence. Next thing you’ll be telling me is that some other darn fool store’s warning their employees not to wish folks Merry Christmas for fear of offending someone.”

It’d be nice to have someone like that on every corporate board, Santa.

I guess that’s about it.

My best to Mrs. Claus.

Sincerely,

Larry

Larry Simoneaux lives in Edmonds. Comments can be sent to larrysim@att.net.