One man’s epic battle with moles
Published 12:41 pm Tuesday, October 9, 2007
Nobody battles moles like the Croziers of Snohomish. At least, that’s what the people at Sweeney’s, a maker of mole, vole and gopher “solutions,” think. They awarded Helen Crozier grand prize in their “I Hate Moles Because…” contest. Entrants had to submit a 500-word essay extolling their mole and vole woes. Crozier’s winning entry was a poem about her husband’s epic battle with moles. She won a $500 Lowe’s gift certificate for her verse.
The Charge of the Mole Patrol
My husband had a war
Our lawn the battle ground
Until the moles were gone
No peace was to be found
Dirt piles make the mower dull
So my husband, he was sworn
That one day he’d wake up
With no mole hills in the morn
At first it was amusing
Earth friendly that he is
Garlic blends and castor oil
He even tried cat whiz
But as the weeks wore on
His methods were less green
The moles were playing dirty
My husband getting mean
He built himself a blower
And tried to blow exhaust
But the moles were pretty savvy
And that battle, it was lost
He started buying smoke bombs
Spent hundreds on those things
But the moles knew to avoid them
Twas like their feet had wings
He set out many mole traps
They never set off one
They tunneled right around them
The moles were having fun…
He thought that he could drown them
By filling up their holes
But that battle, it was doomed
And the victor was the moles
He got out bottle rockets
And shot them down their hills
I feared the moles were winning
In this battle of the wills
He got out bigger fireworks
It seemed like overkill
And I was getting worried
Not sure whose blood would spill
My husband turned to chemistry
Mixed ammonia up with bleach
The moles were having none of it
They dug beyond his reach
When he rented a compacter
To make their tunnels flat
I knew he’d gone crazy
As loony as a bat
So now my man’s in therapy
Too many mole hills crossed
And we’re going to buy a condo
For the war, it has been lost.
Mrs. Crozier would also like to announce that anyone who wants a mole should contact her for free moles, you dig.
