I knew I would get a lot of mail following a column I wrote about helping my elderly great-aunt with her finances.
But one e-mail in particular caught my attention. A 75-year-old reader from Maryland has an interesting, if not typical, dilemma. She and her 79-year-old husband have started wondering which relative to turn to for help in managing their money in the event they become incapacitated.
She wrote: “My husband and I looked at our four children from different marriages and said, ‘Whoa!’ One son is completely oblivious as to how to manage money, although he works hard and has a nice family. One daughter doesn’t like to do anything that has to do with money, although she is learning. Another daughter, who works hard and is catching up from a bankruptcy (not her fault), doesn’t have time to do all the studying needed to help us. And another son, a mover and a shaker in real-estate sales, would push us off on his wife, who just settled her father’s estate.”
I had the same reaction as the couple. This is definitely a “whoa” situation.
“Who should we turn to?” the reader asked me. “We knew of a man in Florida who got taken royally by a bank person. He was almost blind and needed help, and she schmoozed him and then took over his affairs and even married him (the man had two daughters). He died three months after he had put everything in her name. How do you tell the difference between a schmoozer and one who has your best interests at heart?”
First, I couldn’t possibly pick which child should help them. That’s a personal decision. Still, I understand the reader’s plea for some kind of guidance. Here’s what I suggested:
* Select someone you trust. I know, you’ve heard it before. And this is easier said than done. The truth is, a lot of seniors have found out the hard way that they trusted someone who was a crook or just a low-down, lying dog. Sometimes, the worst perpetrators are the people who purport to love you.
My advice is to trust, but verify. Don’t hand over your checkbook to someone and trust that he or she will pay your bills. Always ask to see the proof of payment. Don’t take anybody’s word that they have done anything (including the word of your grown child). You can minimize the possibility of being financially exploited if you monitor everything that is being done for you.
* Pick the person who is willing to commit the time to help. It’s not going to do you much good to choose an adult son or daughter who is good with money but can never find the time to help. That’s just going to frustrate both of you.
* You don’t need to pick someone who is a money whiz, just a person willing and dedicated enough to step in when you need help. For example, the elderly reader who wrote to me said she had a daughter who doesn’t feel comfortable with money matters but is learning. That’s OK. You can learn together. Or, if you’re good with money, you may need to take the time to explain what needs to be done.
* Don’t rule out people just because they have made some money mistakes. Now, I said “some” – not a lifetime of bad decisions with their money and their life. You may want to avoid choosing someone to help you with your money who is always in debt, constantly bounces checks or has developed techniques to avoid his or her creditors.
* Be leery of a family member or friend who wants to keep your financial affairs secret from others in the family, or is too eager to gain control over every aspect of your financial life. In fact, you may want to put in place some checks and balances by informing another adult child, family member or close friend of your financial decisions. For instance, if one son says, “Mom, I think you should put half your life savings in this great investment,” just check with someone else you trust to be sure you don’t have a skunk of a son. Remember, con artists have parents, too.
* Avoid, if you can, selecting the adult child who needs your money more than you need his or her help. You may not want to choose the son or daughter who is always borrowing from you or is just a little too concerned that your financial decisions may not leave him or her with an inheritance.
Deciding on who should help you manage your money is much like trying to figure out which relative should be the guardian of your children.
Often, there just isn’t an ideal choice. The fact is, nobody may be able to care for your children or your financial affairs as you would. But you’ve got to pick someone, and do it before you have no choice.
Washington Post Writers Group
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