She’s not lonely just because she’s alone

Published 9:00 pm Thursday, February 10, 2005

K eri DeTore is single and proud of it.

When she read the book “Quirkyalone,” it confirmed her experience of thriving by herself in a world of couples.

“My norm is being single,” said DeTore, 36. “I’m OK with it, and a lot of people are OK with it. A lot of people are smart, fit, funny, they’re great single people.

“Everybody thinks that means something is wrong with them. Maybe they’re more interested in being part of the community. Maybe they’re busy working, or they’re honorary aunts and uncles,” DeTore said.

“There are a lot of these people out there, and we’re all OK.”

Keep talking, Keri. I like what I hear.

As community relations manager for Barnes &Noble in Lynnwood, DeTore is planning a Quirkyalone Day celebration at the bookstore 6-10:30 p.m. Saturday.

It’s one of about a dozen events from Australia to Iowa marking International Quirkyalone Day, a spinoff of the book “Quirkyalone” by Sasha Cagen (Harper San Francisco, 2004).

International Quirkyalone Day is officially Monday, coinciding with Valentine’s Day, but events are taking place all weekend. In 2004, a San Francisco Bay Area party drew 350 people.

Gimmicky as it sounds, “quirkyalone” is a fitting label for a lot of folks. As described in the book and a corresponding Web site, www.quirkyalone .net/qa/, it means living life fully whether coupled or not.

Cagen writes in her book: “We are the puzzle pieces who rarely fit with other puzzle pieces. … For the quirkyalone, there is no patience for dating just for the sake of not being alone.”

It also means independence, self-respect, friendships and being open to the possibility of real love.

On the Web site, we learn that Jon Stewart, Oprah Winfrey, Ralph Nader and Diane Keaton are considered quirkyalone celebrities, while Jennifer Lopez, the Bushes (George W. and Laura), Donald Trump and Ashton Kutcher are definitely not.

A quiz (“Would you rather be lonely alone or lonely together?” and “Did you go to your senior prom?”) will help you decide if you fit the mold.

Forget the silly stuff and consider DeTore’s life. Like many of us, she hasn’t always been alone. She would welcome a wonderful relationship, but she’s not about to settle for less than that. Why would she?

“My boyfriend passed away about three years ago. He had cancer,” said DeTore, who lives in West Seattle. “What I like to say is that Mark (her late boyfriend) raised the bar on what I’m going to be looking for in a relationship.”

She has sometimes felt discouraged in a world where marriage defines the social order.

“How come you’re only invited to a party if you’re part of a couple? How come just me isn’t good enough?” DeTore asked.

Dining alone in a nice restaurant, she’s been seated way in the back. Intrepid, she has traveled to Italy alone.

“There’s a lot to be said for having a partner to share it with. But if the relationship can’t be exactly right, nothing at all is better. I’d rather do something with friends,” she said. “When I do date, I want to be friends with the person first.”

To me that sounds smart, not quirky.

In addition to her Barnes &Noble job, DeTore runs her own business as an events planner. She’s so busy that when she gets a rare evening with nothing to do, she’s thrilled to have the time.

As for Saturday’s celebration in the Barnes &Noble cafe, she’s not sure what to expect.

“It is a bit female-focused, but today a guy called about it,” DeTore said Wednesday.

“We’ll have trivia games, you can design a cover for a journal, we’ll have Polaroid pictures and you can make a frame. People can win quirkyalone bumper stickers, and we’re going to be teaching knitting and crochet,” she said.

There will be discussion of other books, including “How to Be Alone,” an essay collection by Jonathan Franzen.

“Mostly, we’re going to create a conversation and see that there are others out there,” DeTore said.

She approaches Valentine’s Day with a bit of dread, “but it’s not what you think,” DeTore said. What bothers her isn’t being solo in this season of love.

“It’s that people are going to remind me that I’m not part of a relationship.”

Columnist Julie Muhlstein: 425-339-3460 or muhlsteinjulie@heraldnet.com.