Advice to a nephew: Tell the truth and chew slowly

This one’s true. I have witnesses.

A few years back, my sister-in-law went through a divorce.

In all divorces, even those where the gutting and skinning is kept to a minimum, there are unforeseen consequences. Some major. Some minor. Most are hard on the spirit.

In my sister-in-law’s case, one such consequence involved her youngest son.

His high school class was having a religious retreat (it’s a Catholic thing) and, at the retreat, the kids were supposed to have a letter written to them by their fathers. The letter was to be kind of a passing down of insights from father to son.

Because of the divorce, my nephew’s letter from his father fell through the cracks and he was headed out empty-handed. His mother called to ask if I’d write one for him.

I warned her that “deep” and “insights” were two words that would likely never appear in any sentence describing my thinking process. She said, “No matter. Just give him something to read.”

What follows is the actual letter I wrote.

“Grant:

I won’t bore you with any mumbo-jumbo on what your generation faces. You’ll catch enough of that later on in the graduation speeches every senior has had to sit through since Moby Dick was a minnow.

Instead, I thought I’d pass on a few things I’ve picked up here and there.

With that said:

* Never doubt that you’re a good person. You haven’t killed, kidnapped, stabbed, shot, robbed, raped or beaten anyone. You’re not wanted by the FBI, the CIA or Interpol. Traffic tickets don’t count. You’re like the rest of us out here – a decent person. We make mistakes, but try not to hurt others. You fit. Don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.

* Someone once said: “Never run when you can walk. Never walk when you can sit. Never sit when you can lie down.” You’re going to find that life’s tough. Take a breather whenever you can.

* Always listen to the other side of the story (and there’s always another side to the story) before making up your mind. Do this one thing and you won’t have to bury your head in your hands as often as the rest of us have to.

* There’s a difference between being involved and being committed. A chicken’s involved with breakfast. A pig’s committed. Be committed to whatever you do.

* Always tell the truth. As another someone once said, “It’s a lot easier to remember.”

* Take lots of naps. They relieve stress and are cheaper than visiting a shrink who’ll usually tell you that you need to reduce stress.

* Do something wrong and you’ll be found out. May take two days. May take two years. Bad deeds are like boulders in a field. They keep popping up no matter how deep you’ve buried them.

* Life’s a lot easier once you just accept that bread always falls buttered side down.

* Be on time. That’ll give you a leg up on about 30 percent of the human race.

* Do your best. That’ll give you a leg up on about 50 percent of the human race.

* Never whine. That’ll give you a leg up on about 75 percent of the human race.

* You can make almost any decision based on a combination of four simple questions: Is it right? Is it wrong? Does it hurt? Does it help? If it’s right and it helps, do it. If it’s wrong and it hurts, don’t do it. If it’s wrong and it helps, you’re facing a moral dilemma. If it’s right and it hurts, you’re about to find out how deep your character runs.

* Money isn’t the root of all evil. The root of all evil is the idea that money can be had without sufficient effort.

* Life’s not fair. If it were, the Saints would’ve won a Super Bowl by now.

* Never accept a mob’s opinion on anything. Remember, it was a mob that called for Barabas and had a pretty decent fellow nailed to a cross. Another mob gave us leisure suits. There’s never a lot of sense in mobs.

* Try to remember first names. People love it when you do.

* Chew slowly. It calms you down. Think about it. Have you ever seen a nervous cow?

* Not everyone you meet is going to like you. Their problem, not yours.

* Finally, remember that when you’ve got ‘em by (a certain part of their anatomy), their hearts and minds soon follow.

Hope these help.”

No one said the letter was to be read out loud.

You’d think I’d know better by now.

Larry Simoneaux lives in Edmonds. Comments can be sent to larrysim@att.net.