By Tom Burke / Herald columnist
Are you a chump? Are you the kind of person who’s easily tricked, foolish or just plain stupid? Are you a sucker, an easy mark, or a grifter’s dream-come-true?
Of course you’re not!
But it seems to me there’s an awful lot of chumps around lately; donating millions, wearing red hats, going to rallies, and storming the Capitol to overturn an election. But like when your fly is open (and you’re clueless) or you have a bright green tag of spinach caught between your teeth (and you have no idea), unless someone tells you you’re a chump, you’ll never know.
Because no one self-identifies as a chump and people blunder about in blissful ignorance of what they really seem to be.
But fear not, gentle reader, I’m here to help you discern, in the privacy of your own home, whether you’re a chump or not.
It’s simple.
Just answer a few questions and tally up your score. Bingo, you’ll know where you stand on the scale of wise and discerning to gullible and easily led.
All questions are Yes/No. Take as much time as you need:
Is the Big Lie not a lie and Trump actually won 2020? Yes or No.
Did Trump lose the White House because of voter fraud and the Deep State? Yes or No.
Did you not get the covid-19 vaccine and/or booster because you believed they are challenges to your freedom?” Yes or No.
Did you buy or are you planning to buy Jared Kushner’s new book “Breaking History” despite the New York Times review saying, “Reading this book reminded me of watching a cat lick a dog’s eye goo?“ Yes or No.
Have you ever attended a Trump rally or wish you could? Yes or No.
Is Fox News your regular source of news and information? Yes or No.
Do you agree with Eric Trump when he said, “It’s not even the Republican Party, it’s the Trump Party.” Yes or No.
Did you believe Trump when he said, “We finished the wall.” Yes or No.
Do you believe Social Security, Medicare and Medicaid “should be eliminated” or “Senior citizens should not be getting Medicaid and Medicare for free” as Sen. Ron Johnson, R-Wis., states. Yes or No.
Do you believe there were two “perfect” Trump phone calls: one to the Ukraine soliciting dirt on Joe Biden and another to Georgia’s governor soliciting illicit votes. Yes or No.
Do you believe, as Ted Cruz claims sans proof, that, “the FBI and DOJ lied under oath to get the search warrant” at Mar-a-Lago, and it was “about J6?” Yes or No.
Wear a red hat that says, “Make America Great Again?” Yes or No.
Have you become a Trump Majority Strategist or Gold Trump Patriot by donating? Yes or No.
Did you donate money to Trump’s Save America PAC to “Stop the Steal?” or to combat the “Witch Hunt?” Yes or No.
Did you donate to Trump when he wrote you, “MAR-A-LAGO was RAIDED. The Radical Left is corrupt. Return the power to the people! Will you fight with me? Yes or No.
Do you think Trump charging $100,000 per-person to have “dinner with him” at his golf resort proves he cares about the working class? Yes or No.
Do you believe that Democrats or anyone wanting to give Americans affordable health care, education, and a living wage are somehow communists, antifa, socialists, anarchists and generally the bad guys. Yes or No.
Do you believe, as Rep. Lauren Boebert, D-Colo., does, that, “The church is supposed to direct the government. The government is not supposed to direct the church. That is not how our Founding Fathers intended it.” Yes or No.
Do you believe Trump had a “standing order” that anything he sent to the residence at the White House was automatically “declassified.” Yes or No.
Do you believe the Republicans in Congress voted the right way when they voted against cheaper gas, cheaper insulin, child tax credits, stimulus checks, the Voting Rights Act, fighting domestic terrorism, keeping birth control legal, more baby formula, stopping domestic violence, veteran cancer care, gay marriage, and upholding the 2020 election. Yes or No.
How to Score this Quiz:
If you answered “Yes” to any question you are, shall we say, a trending chump and in danger of moral and financial bankruptcy should you keep believing the grift.
If you answered “Yes” to 10 or more questions you are, sad to report, indeed a total chump and in danger of stiffing your kids or grandkids this Christmas because you’ve donated so much money to Trump and the GOP and its candidates.
And if you answered “Yes” to all of these questions, you are a terminal MAGA-CHUMP; servile, pathetic, and broken who will cheer if fascist, Christian nationalists overthrow your democracy.
Trump has collected millions and tens-of-millions by grifting small-doner chumps to Make American Great Again, Stop the Steal, and fight the witch hunt, while spending next-to-nothing on these issues.
But, as a self-described billionaire, it seems strange that he needs your nickels, dimes and dollars. I mean, he’s RICH, REALLY RICH (he says), so why is the Republican party paying his legal bills (reported to be $1 million month) with your donations and why does he need $650,000 of your money (when he has $100 million in just his own PAC) to pay for his portrait to be hung in the Smithsonian?
I guess the chumps of this world have some sort of rationale for donating. But it sure beats me.
Slava Ukraini.
Tom Burke’s email address is t.burke.column@gmail.com.
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