Coming soon to stationery stores: panda poo

Published 9:00 pm Sunday, March 25, 2007

Where there are a lot of pandas, there’s a lot of poop. But officials at a panda preserve in China have gotten a bright idea for disposing of the daily dung pile: They plan to turn it into paper. (http://www.heraldnet.com/stories/07/03/27/100wir_a2panda001.cfm)

An optimistic official said people “probably won’t even be able to tell it’s from panda poop.” As long as they don’t look too closely at the strange texture or the fact that it’s sprouting bamboo.

Until then, it will be sold in the “toilet paper” section of stationery stores, where it’s likely to be a favorite of people with potty mouths.

Dung yet? Actually, no. We decided to ask the Internet what else people are trying to make out of poo, which is how we discovered a press release from Michigan State University about how researchers are investigating a composite material made of plastic and manure that could be used to build houses and playground equipment, among other things.

We suspect Boeing studied the idea of using it to construct the 787, but Dungliner just didn’t have the same ring to it.

The full description of the researchers’ plans for the future of manure is here: http://newsroom.msu.edu/site/indexer/2967/content.htm

In other bizarre, but manure-free, news concerning animals, we’d like to call your attention to the tale of the woman caught smuggling three crocodiles under her clothing. (http://www.heraldnet.com/stories/07/03/27/100wir_a4crocodiles001.cfm)

The Onion, America’s largest purveyor of fake news, is branching out today, launching its first online video dispatches. (http://www.heraldnet.com/stories/07/03/27/100bus_a5onion001.cfm)

Its news anchors are held to the highest standards. They were expected to have a fake bachelor’s degree, at least five years’ experience with a fake news organization (though employment at Fox News was accepted) and the ability to convincingly wear fake nails and eyelashes.

Tune in at The Onion’s Web site: http://www.theonion.com

— Katie Mayer, Herald staff