All they want for Christmas in the NFL is …

Published 8:46 pm Thursday, November 24, 2011

For many of you, today is the day you work off a Thanksgiving turkey hangover by going on a shopping spree.

It’s Black Friday, also knows as the busiest shopping day of the year, which means big sales and big lines. Funny, my busiest shopping day usually falls around December 24, but maybe I’m not doing it right. For those of you who do like to do your shopping this weekend, it is important to remember that, while family and friends come first, you should also remember to pick a little something up for your favorite NFL team.

After all, even millionaires have needs. I mean, do you really think Tom Brady has enough Uggs, or that Troy Polamalu couldn’t use another bottle of conditioner. But what does someone get for the player, coach or team that seemingly has everything?

Well, that’s where I come in. While this is hardly a comprehensive guide, here are a few can’t-miss gift ideas for those of you hoping to surprise your favorite team with a little something special this holiday season.

For Seahawks coach Pete Carroll — What he needs is a franchise quarterback. The good news for you the gift giver, however, is that the always optimistic Carroll will be able to smile and put a positive spin on anything you get him. Yes, even that ugly Christmas sweater will be beautiful and have him pumped and jacked from now until New Years Day.

For the Denver Broncos — Some snazzy retro uniforms from the 1960s so their look will match their Tim Tebow-led offense. The forward pass? No thanks. None of that fancy new-fangled offense for this team.

For 49ers coach Jim Harbaugh and Lions coach Jim Schwartz — Boxing gloves. OK, that’s really a gift for us, because really, who doesn’t want to see them finish the little skirmish that started after their now infamous postgame handshake.

For former 49ers coach Mike Singletary — Someone to come unplug his cable. It’s got to be brutal for Singletary to watch his former team, which is pretty much the same save for the coaching change, turn things around so fast. After finishing 6-10 last year, the Niners are 9-1 and one of the biggest surprises of the NFL season.

For the Green Bay Packers — Hmmm … Let’s see … Nope, they’re good. They 11-0 Packers don’t need anything this year for the holidays.

For the Miami Dolphins — A mulligan. The Dolphins started the year with seven straight losses and were in the Andrew Luck sweepstakes. Miami then rattled off three consecutive wins, all by double-digit margins. Like a golfer who sends his opening tee shot into a lake, the Dolphins would love to pretend that their opening act never happened.

For the Philadelphia Eagles — A bunch of big-name free agents, then they’d be some sort of dream team. Wait, what’s that? They tried that and it’s been a disaster? Well then, how about a nice tie. Ties always work, right?

For New York Jets coach Rex Ryan — A muzzle. Usually, Ryan is entertaining, but when he ends up swearing at a fan while walking off the field, it’s time to quiet down.

For the Baltimore Ravens — Some consistency. The Ravens are good enough to have beaten some of the league’s best teams, including Pittsburgh twice, but they’ve looked downright awful in losses to teams with losing records, including Jacksonville and Seattle.

For the Indianapolis Colts — A new neck for Peyton Manning, or that Andrew Luck kid would probably do. Manning’s value never has been more apparent than this year as he sits out following neck surgery. Now the question now is whether Manning comes back healthy next season, or if the Colts use their top pick, likely the No. 1 overall pick, on Luck, the can’t-miss quarterback from Stanford.

For the San Diego Chargers — Last year’s Philip Rivers. There are mistakes, there are egregious errors, then there are some of the passes Rivers has thrown this season. Through 10 games, Rivers already has established a career-high with 17 interceptions, a total that also leads the NFL. And while the team has a lot more issues than its quarterback, Rivers’ play is one of the big reasons the Chargers are one of the league’s more disappointing teams.

Note: The above gift also works for the Tennessee Titans, who would love an earlier model of running back Chris Johnson.

For the Minnesota Vikings — A 1980s DeLorean with a flux capacitor and Michael J. Fox in the driver’s seat. Then, so long as they can generate 1.21 gigawatts, they can either go back in time to when Donovan McNabb was a Pro-Bowl player, or skip ahead to when rookie Christian Ponder might be good.

For the Carolina Panthers — A defense to go with that new quarterback. Cam Newton has Panthers fans excited about the future, but for now they’re still a team losing a lot more games than they win. Reason No. 1? They’ve given up more points than every team in the league other than the winless Colts.

For the Arizona Cardinals — A do-over on that Kevin Kolb trade. To be fair, Kolb still could work out in the long run, but as of now, it looks like the Cardinals bungled their attempt at landing their quarterback of the future.

And finally for all of you, our dear readers, I wish you a very happy, healthy and joyous holiday season. What, you were expecting a Seahawks playoff berth? Sorry, not even Santa can pull that off this year.

Herald Writer John Boyle: jboyle@heraldnet.com. For more Seahawks coverage, check out the Seahawks blog at heraldnet.com/seahawksblog