What coaches really mean
Published 7:23 am Thursday, September 6, 2007
KIRKLAND – I’ve had it.
I finally snapped.
It’s the week of the first game of the NFL season and the compost quotient during press conferences is more than I can stand. I’m done, which is a lousy sign, considering the number of hooey manufacturing plants scheduled for the Seahawks and Huskies this year.
Clearly, it’s time to rebel. It’s time to break from the politically correct bum-kissing in athletics. It’s time to expose the twaddle coaches and athletes hand us every day, specifically designed to snow the press and ultimately you.
Enough, I say!
So, in the name of honesty in reporting, let’s lift a series of inane quotes Wednesday by Tampa Bay Bucs coach Jon Gruden and Seahawks coach Mike Holmgren, feed them into the computer and see what they actually mean.
Question to Gruden: “Jon, you’ve had a revolving door at quarterback since you came to Tampa in 2002. What’s been the problem?”
Gruden: “Well, it’s been hard here. When we came to Tampa, we had a veteran guy, Brad Johnson, who did some great things for us. Brian Griese came in and he did some pretty good things for us. Chris Simms did some good things in the ‘05 season, clearly struggled in ‘06 and had an injury in Week 3. We finally got Jeff Garcia and we’re hopeful that he can solve a mystery for us.”
Translation: “Beats me. All our guys stunk or they’d still be here. What’s Garcia, 143 years old? We’re in big trouble THERE, boy, which means I’ll be coaching af2 for Sam Adams by Thursday.”
Question to Holmgren: “Mike, what’s different about this week? You’ve made your cuts. Training camp’s over. What’s different about this week than any of the weeks so far?”
Holmgren: “I think everybody gets a little more serious about their job, coaches and players. You go through preseason and now the veteran player is getting ready for this game. You’ve got the young guy who’s battling like crazy to make the team. You get different levels of intensity.”
Translation: “Whaddaya think, Einstein? We got a GAME. A REAL game. It COUNTS. Lemme spell it out for you, Gomer. You got your PRESEASON. ‘Pre’ is Latin for ‘BEFORE’ and ‘season’ is Latin for, uhhh, ‘SEASON.’ Get it? Now we’re in the SEASON, which means if we don’t beat Tampa Bay Sunday, like you geniuses picked us to do, I gotta tell the wife to trade in the Escalade for a Jetta.”
Question for Gruden: “Jon, you picked up Jeremiah Trotter after the Eagles cut him. What does he bring to the team?”
Gruden: “What he gives you is huge locker room presence. He’s an inspiring guy. I think he’ll be great for our young linebackers we drafted this year. He’ll be an inspiration to them and a real tool for them to get better.”
Translation: “Gads, he’s older than Garcia. I dunno what our GM was inhaling when he pulled the trigger on that one, but I’d love to take a big ol’ country hit off it. I can’t remember the last NFL player I saw who used a motorized wheelchair. Only guy he has a chance to sack is Joe Namath. I dunno where we dig up these clowns.”
Question for Holmgren: “You don’t game-plan for preseason games. Is game-planning something you look forward to do?”
Holmgren: “You look forward to that. In the preseason, if a team decides to blitz you, you can look foolish. They can get you pretty good. Now, if it happens to you, you deserve it, because you’re planning and you should have some idea of what’s coming.”
Translation: “Maybe, because if we DON’T plan for games that COUNT, we’re gonna look like SMU and sell pencils on First and Pike. Can I be honest? I’d rather not go through the trouble of game-planning because it takes about 20 hours out of my week. I mean, YOU shut yourself in a dark room and watch film for God knows how long. But hey, I’m pulling in $412 mill a year to do it. How much are YOU getting for playing lap dog? Now, get out of my office before I burn your notebooks!”
Sports columnist John Sleeper: sleeper@heraldnet.com.
