‘Freee Biiird!’

Published 10:12 pm Monday, September 20, 2010

Leonard Skinner, the Florida gym teacher whose dislike of long hair on males inspired some of his former students to name their rock ‘n’ roll band Lynyrd Skynyrd, has died.

Afterlife sources reported that when Skinner was reunited with band members, he loudly asked no one in particular, “Are those boys or girls? I can’t tell.” Then he ordered lead singer Ronnie Van Zant to run five laps around the fieldhouse.

Recession, we hardly knew ye: The next time someone tells you they can’t wait for the recession to end, you can inform them that the downturn actually ended in June 2009, as determined by a panel of economists.

Meanwhile, a panel of unemployed people released a report stating that conditions currently are rotten and will remain that way until they either land a job or their benefits expire, at which time conditions will be downgraded to “Weimar Republic.”

— Mark Carlson, Herald staff