Watercooler: How to handle a breakup with your coworker

Published 1:30 am Thursday, November 10, 2016

By Karla Miller, Special to The Washington Post

Reader: My boyfriend of six years, whom I’ve lived with for more than four years, recently ended our relationship and asked me to move out. He gave me a few months to purchase another home and move, so we’re living together still.

The worst part is that we work in the same department and sit within earshot of one another. Thanks to telecommuting, we are both in the office at the same time only once a week.

The only person I’ve told about this situation so far is my boss, but I’m concerned about how, if and when I can inform other colleagues and office friends that the relationship ended without getting myself in trouble.

I’m connected on social media with half the office, so even if I don’t announce it, people will figure out we split up, unless I deliberately hide it, which I don’t think is a good long-term solution. Can I change my social media status to “single” and then tell people the truth if they ask? I imagine “that jerk dumped me and kicked me out, but here’s a pic of my new house” might be too much?

Also, should I notify HR of this breakup to protect myself? My ex is in management and I’m not, so I fear he might have some influence that could be used to jeopardize my employment. I don’t report to him; we report to different bosses.

Karla: I’d say the first move to make is into a place of your own with a short-term lease. On everything else, proceed with extreme caution.

See what your employee handbook says about romance at work. Employment attorney Carla Murphy of Duane Morris notes that some companies require employees to give HR a heads-up when a relationship begins or ends.

If your company is one with a kiss-and-tell policy – or if your ex threatens or does anything to sabotage, harass or retaliate against you, or you sincerely fear he will – you need to go to HR. Otherwise, I see no need to involve them until you update your contact information.

Aside from those two contingencies, treat this situation as “need to know” and let word travel in its own time while your raw feelings heal. There’s probably no harm in having told your boss, in case your personal stress starts to affect your performance, but do what you can to keep it from reaching that point, including using PTO to hit reset. And of course you should be able to lean on your closest work friends – but ask them to help you keep any venting sessions offline and off the clock.

After-hours pot-shots, whether over fro-yo or Facebook, can have recoil, so tighten up those privacy settings and boost your personal firewall.

How long should you keep your broken heart under wraps? Until you no longer feel the urge to let everyone know what happened. Yes, he did you wrong, but you don’t want to do yourself one wrong-er.

PRO TIP: Are sparks flying with that cutie down the hall? Check whether your company requires you to sign a “love contract,” says Murphy. These affirm that employees are involved by mutual consent and aware of the company’s policies on relationships and harassment.