Ex-etiquette: My relatives stay in contact with my ex

Published 1:30 am Thursday, December 19, 2019

Q: I was divorced about four years ago. It was a short marriage, maybe three years. Of course, I introduced my then-husband to friends and family. They all liked him, and some were disappointed by the divorce. After the divorce I moved out of state and stayed in contact with everyone by phone and through social media. I was surprised to see a very close relative, who I was planning to visit over the New Year’s holiday, post a picture of a recent potluck barbecue. There was my ex front and center. He betrayed me quite severely and they watched the whole thing unfold. In all our conversations over the last few months they have never mentioned that they have remained friends with him. Is that good ex-etiquette?

A: This is one of the most common questions I am asked. Is it right for my relatives to stay in contact with my ex? There’s usually a preface to that question — “When they know I don’t want them to.” Or, “When they know how badly he or she hurt me?”

The answer is not a clear cut yes or no.

First, let’s talk about if the former couple had children. I had a client years ago who was horrified that her father went on a guys’ camping trip with her son and her ex. They had done this for years, but once divorced, my client expected all interaction with the ex to stop. Her dad didn’t agree. He had developed a bond with his former son-in-law and the father, son, grandpa camping trip was a family ritual for years. He didn’t see why it should stop because his daughter and son-in-law got a divorce. In his eyes, the relationship with his former son-in-law had nothing to do with his relationship with his daughter. The father, son, grandpa camping trip was a family ritual celebrating three generations of family. They all looked forward to it each year and he felt his daughter was out of line expecting that it should end.

Ironically, when put like that, my client had to agree. Her ex-husband had pulled some shenanigans, that is for sure, but she realized that was between her and her ex. She didn’t want to take that family ritual away from her son, so she decided to back off.

But, what if there were no kids? What if, like you, it was a short relationship, but your relatives choose to stay friends with your ex after you break-up? That’s a tough one — and, probably a little confusing. It’s human to wonder why a relative would want to perpetuate a relationship with someone who has openly hurt you, but there’s probably a reason, so good ex-etiquette suggests you have a conversation to first, explore the reasons why they made that choice (understanding may heal any resentment you might feel) and second, discuss your boundaries together and how you will handle things from this day forward. Remember “Be honest and straightforward.” That’s good ex-etiquette rule No. 8.