Parenting 201: Developing relationships with your adult children

Published 1:30 am Sunday, July 11, 2021

When children are young, parents try to imagine what it will be like when their kids grow up. At that time, it’s impossible to visualize them as adults. Some days, moms and dads picture folding endless piles of laundry and picking up toys, coats and empty soda cans for an eternity, and falling into bed each night exhausted. It can seem like the work of parenthood will never end.

But it does. And when I look back, it seems like my daughters’ childhood raced by like a speeding train. I do remember those long, demanding days, but I miss building snowmen and enjoying cups of hot chocolate on wintery days, too.

Now they’re adults, 36 and 38 years old, with children of their own. So, what’s my role now? What are my responsibilities? What should I expect from them?

A friend called me the other day to tell me that her son was having marital problems. He’s 31 and has always been a responsible, levelheaded person. Married for several years, he told her that he’s having a romantic involvement with a neighbor. Needless to say, she was very upset. She’d never imagined that her son would be involved in such a problem. She wondered, “What should I say to him when he calls?”

One of my daughters has struggled at times with financial issues. She’s not always the most financially organized person in the world. I’ve helped her out, but how should I approach these issues, if and when they crop up again?

As our children grow older, their problems grow larger, become more complex and can have an impact on others. Our adult children will have struggles with career, relationships, their children, money and maybe even with us! At each juncture, we have to sort out what role we want to assume in their lives. And they have to decide what kind of adult relationship they want to have with us — close, distant, or something in between.

Here are some points to consider.

Your children have to find their own way. Yup. Just like you did. Adults have to find their own way in life, make their own mistakes, make them again, learn from them and chart new directions. This is a major component of adult development. Don’t get overinvolved in their struggles.

Don’t give unsolicited advice. If your adult kids want your advice, they know your telephone number. I don’t like to give my kids advice, even when they ask for it. What if I’m wrong? And I don’t want to influence them. I want them to figure it out on their own.

Be their cheerleader. It’s always helpful to tell your adult children that you have confidence that they will find the right answer for themselves and that they will be able to work out their problems (even if you are aren’t completely sure). This message of faith nurtures their self-confidence.

Be thoughtful about providing help. These days, with the high cost of housing, many young adults need money at some point. Some will ask you, and some won’t. Only support those enterprises that you believe in. My youngest daughter asked me if I would pay her health insurance premiums so she could quit a terrible job. I declined, because I believed that she should find a new job before she quit her present one. She was angry and disappointed. But she did find a new job and it all worked out. Unconditional love doesn’t mean unconditional financial support. On the other hand, I am helping her with graduate school because I believe in education.

Develop an adult relationship with your adult children. This is a process which can take many years, because these adults will also always be your children. You’ve always been devoted to their well-being and their happiness. But work on developing an adult relationship. Don’t treat them like children just because they are your children. Likewise, it may take them time to figure out what kind of adult relationship they want to have with you.

Paul Schoenfeld is a clinical psychologist at The Everett Clinic. His Family Talk blog can be found at www.everettclinic.com/health-wellness-library.html.