I was lost in Costco nirvana, filling my cart with mega deals and my stomach with free samples, when a tower of white plastic stopped me in my tracks.
On the display front was a glossy photo of a pretty blond woman seated on a toilet, fully clothed, her bent knees raised on a footstool.
Holy crap! What’s up with that?
It’s the Squatty Potty, the stool for better stools.
It all starts with potty posture. The manufacturer claims the modern-day porcelain throne is an ergonomic nightmare for our pampered primitive physique.
As the Squatty Potty web gurus put it: “While sitting to do our business may be considered ‘civilized,’ studies show the natural squat position improves our ability to eliminate.”
When you sit, the colon muscles kink like a hose. Squat and the colon opens and is ready for battle.
Or so says the company’s video with a prince and a unicorn.
“It’s not just for bloated lads and hemorrhoidal ladies,” says the prince.
The unicorn poops rainbow ice cream without a wince, grunt or gas.
I will leave it to you, dear readers, to decide whether the Squatty Potty is beneficial or BS.
In many parts of the world, squatting is the tried-and-true way people do their business.
Squatty Potty was invented by a guy in Utah with no medical training to help ease the strain his mom was enduring on the pot — this family must be really tight-knit. He started with online sales then hit the retail store distribution jackpot with backing from the show “Shark Tank.” Howard Stern, the biggest potty mouth ever, also got into the Squatty Potty act by raving about it on his program.
Costco’s two-pack deal costs $29.99. The price online is nearly that much for one.
In addition to clinical white plastic, the company makes a stool in sleek black, bamboo and teak. It also sells air freshener sprays and T-shirts with pooping unicorns.
According to studies on the internet, the average person spends what equates to about a year of their life in the bathroom.
So why not make it fun? Another company makes Potty Piano, a fully functioning vinyl keyboard for your feet so you can tickle the ivories while you tinkle. It even comes with a songbook. Find it at big box and party stores for about $20 or on a website aptly named www.thisiswhyimbroke.com.
I asked for Squatty Potty feedback on Facebook.
“Someone bought this for me as a gag gift. They’re the ones who are laughing now. I never thought something so stupid could make a world of difference, but it does. I wish I was remotely joking because it looks and sounds so ridiculous, but I promise you, once you have one, you will judge everyone who doesn’t — and hate going in public!”
“I just saw a commercial for this the other day. It freaked me out.”
“Check me into the old folks home if you see this in my house.”
“It really makes a difference. We have our kids use them too!”
“So this actually exists? Next thing you’ll tell me unicorns exist, and that they poop rainbows.”
“Now you’re just makin’ stuff up.”
No way I could make this squat up.
Andrea Brown: 425-339-3443; firstname.lastname@example.org. Twitter: @reporterbrown.