How to handle a child gaga over stars

Published 9:10 pm Sunday, October 17, 2010

Should you be concerned that your child is obsessed with a teen idol?

“Even teens who idolize squeaky-clean media personalities can get caught up and go overboard,” said Sharon Miller Cindrich, author of “A Smart Girl’s Guide to Style” ($9.95).

She cites such things as skipping school to get in line for concert tickets, lying about their whereabouts in order to see a movie with a favorite personality against their parents’ wishes or sneaking online to visit fan chat rooms without permission.

“While a little risk-taking can be chalked up to normal adolescent exploration, repeat offenders might signal a problem,” Cindrich says.

Relationship counselor Mary Jo Rapini, author of “Start Talking: A Girl’s Guide for You and Your Mom About Health, Sex or Whatever” ($14.95), sees a fair amount of idol worship, whether centered on Justin Bieber or Lady Gaga, in her practice.

Rapini cites red flags that admiration has crossed the line into unhealthy obsession:

• If your child absolutely needs to wear particular clothes or have a certain style emulating the idol.

• If grades slip and your child doesn’t care about school anymore.

• If your child no longer participates in school and family activities, and noticeably spends more time alone.

• If your child begins talking differently or using language you find offensive, a la a rebellious idol.

At the root of extreme idol worship is low self-esteem, Rapini said. So the parent must work on rebuilding that, by setting boundaries and engaging the child in activities with the family.

“Making dates with your child once a week for a coffee or walk, or whatever you want to do, will make your child feel valued,” Rapini said, if you are truly listening. “When you are with them, shut off the cell phone and computers.”

Children draw the broad outlines of their identity from family. When parents are too distracted for quality time, the child sometimes grasps for a substitute identity in the form of a celebrity or fantasy person.

“Disengagement leads to a higher chance of teen pregnancy — another type of fantasy, creating someone who will love them — as well as drug use.”

Rather than issue a blanket ban on all things Gaga, for example, try to redirect a child into areas that align with her or his other interests.

Rapini saw a successful example of this, involving a child of 12 whose parents had recently divorced. “The child used to play piano beautifully,” but when the mom went back to work, the child stopped and adopted a Lady Gaga identity, including dyeing her hair.

“Mom began spending more time with her daughter,” Rapini said. “She would allow only certain songs of Lady Gaga in the house, and actually began liking Lady Gaga.

She bonded with the child over that, and the child began pounding songs out on the piano that were Lady Gaga. The child did not have to go to the extreme anymore to get Mom’s attention.”

The child is now into rocker Adam Lambert, maybe “not a much better role model,” Rapini said, “but at least she realizes it is a fantasy and not an identity for her.”