Best when swallowed with several grains of salt

So anyway, this was back a few years ago. I remember because it was while I was helping to bring peace to Northern Ireland, and I —

You didn’t know I helped to bring peace to Northern Ireland, did you?

I understand.

You must have heard that Hillary Clinton was the one who helped bring peace to Northern Ireland, and so you probably figured that she was the only one. Especially with the way she’s been going on and on about it, how it’s one of her credentials for being president: She helped bring peace to Northern Ireland.

Now, I remember being pretty surprised the first time I heard her mention it. Not that I wanted to quibble or anything; after all, she’s a presidential candidate and I’m just me. But I was already alive at that time, and I just don’t remember it that way. Mostly I remember George Mitchell, who was some kind of special negotiator, slogging along for month after month, trying to get people to see eye to eye, and finally getting an agreement signed.

There were other people involved, too — people you’d expect to be involved in something big and foreign. But I don’t remember hearing word one about Hillary Clinton playing any kind of major role.

So now, of course, her people are saying, “Well, she never said she was the main player — she just said she ‘helped.’” I guess they’re talking about how she met with some women in Belfast while her husband was over there, and she heard their stories, and she encouraged them to get involved in the peace process, which I’m sure was a perfectly nice thing to do, and very kind of a First Lady to spend a few hours on, but really now —

Which is when I remembered how I had helped to bring peace to Northern Ireland, too. And in my case, it wasn’t just a few hours, it was every summer, for years. That’s right: I spent every summer back then — I remember it like it was yesterday — not sending weapons to the IRA.

Absolutely true: I’d get up every morning, just like clockwork, and I wouldn’t go over to the UPS store. Or to FedEx. I didn’t buy any weapons. And I didn’t send any weapons.

You think Hillary Clinton had an impact sitting over tea and biscuits. Just imagine the kind of impact I had — I was keeping guns and bombs out of people’s hands!

I also sang Irish folk songs.

But you never heard me bragging about any of it, did you?

Not until now, I mean. And the only reason I’m doing it now is because I hate it when people try to steal all the glory, and go padding their resumes when they really —

Like when she says she’s crossed “the commander-in-chief threshold.” First I thought I didn’t hear her correctly. See, I’ve got no problem if she wants to say she crossed “the commander-in-chief’s threshold” — I mean, she was living with the guy all eight years he was president. I’m sure she crossed his threshold plenty. For all I know, he even carried her over the threshold once or twice, just for the fun of it.

But that’s different.

Or when she talks about how she’s “been in the Oval Office a few times.”

I’m not sure that proves anything. So was Monica Lewinsky.

Me? I’ve never been in the Oval Office. I did see a replica once at the Harry Truman Library. It was pretty cool.

I’m not sure it makes me presidential material.

Rick Horowitz is a nationally syndicated columnist. His e-mail address is rickhoro@execpc.com.