Last year’s Christmas disaster won’t soon be forgotten

Published 1:30 am Sunday, December 4, 2016

You won’t catch this mom hosting Christmas dinner.

I’m feeling particularly bah-humbug about Christmas this year.

Last year we hosted 17 guests for Christmas dinner and our upstairs toilet overflowed, flooded the ceiling and rained level-three-contamination water on the kitchen table laden with my wedding china.

It was right in the middle of dessert, which probably explains why I no longer want to bake Christmas cookies. Could that gingerbread man have poop on it? Yeah, I’ll think I’ll pass.

Twenty thousand dollars’ worth of repairs later, and our homeowner’s insurance hates us, but our children do have a newly remodeled bathroom. My sink has 1980s tile. Their bathroom has gorgeous quartz counter tops that they smear toothpaste across on a regular basis.

It’s not that I’m bitter — OK, maybe I’m a tad bitter — it’s more like I have existential angst about the whole thing. Even when Christmas does not bring an exploding toilet, it still comes with a lot of crap.

Let’s start with Santa.

Do I want my children to sit on an old man’s lap at the mall? Um … no, not especially.

Where will they put the new toys that Santa brings, anyway? I’m positive that stuffed animals have secret orgies when I’m not looking because every time I turn around, there are more of them.

I’m sick of the religious infighting that Christmas causes. Everyone has an opinion about what should or should not happen in December. I wish that Jesus and Santa could arm wrestle, and settle it once and for all.

I’m also tired of pop culture telling me what Christmas is all about. I don’t need a made-for-television movie to remind me to spend time with my family, or give to charity, or just believe in Santa and all of my dreams will come true.

Then there are the decorations.

Dragging boxes down from the attic will take my husband all afternoon. If we buy a real Christmas tree, I’ll spend the next month vacuuming up needles. If we buy a fake tree, it will smell weird.

No matter what type of tree we buy, my son and daughter will get into an argument while hanging up ornaments. This happens every stinking year.

So why bother?

Instead of a house with snow globes and prancing reindeer on every shelf, I want a tidy house that brings me peace.

Instead of candy dishes packed with chocolate that tempt me, I want to fit into my jeans. Instead of opening a killer credit card bill in January, I want to save up money to replace our 18-year-old car.

Instead of arguing about how to decorate a dead/fake Christmas tree, I want a family that doesn’t squabble.

All of those frustrations make me either the meanest mom ever, or a woman who is simply being honest.

Yes, I’ll buy a tree and deck the halls and go through all that fa-la-la drama, but the only Christmas tree ornament I’m really looking forward to hanging up this year is the one shaped like a toilet.

Jennifer Bardsley is an Edmonds mom of two, and author of the book “Genesis Girl.” Find her online on Instagram @the_ya_gal, Twitter @jennbardsley or at teachingmybabytoread.com.