The Buzz: Cheer up, Kristi; the new jobs sounds perfect for cosplay
Published 1:30 am Sunday, March 8, 2026
By Jon Bauer / Herald Opinion Page Editor
After contentious hearings this week in the House and Senate, where even Republicans faulted her for failures, Homeland Security Secretary Kristi Noem is being replaced by Sen. Markwayne Mullin, R-Okla., President Trump announced Thursday on social media. “Noem, who has served us well, and has had numerous and spectacular results (especially on the Border!), will be moving to be Special Envoy for The Shield of the Americas,” Trump wrote, referring to a security initiative focused on the Western Hemisphere.
Take heart, Kristi. When one door closes, another opens with a bogus title and backwater office that we’re guessing from the sound of it comes with a superhero costume. Oh, and we’ll need the keys to that $70 million luxury Boeing 737 Max 8 you’ve been riding around in.
In other attempts to spin bad news this week:
War of words: Republicans in Congress actually do disagree at times with the Trump administration. Looking to avoid a vote in Congress under the War Powers Act that Democrats are seeking to halt the joint U.S. and Israeli military assaults on Iran, Republicans, including Sen. Mullin, denied that the U.S. is at war with Iran. “We’re not at war with Iran. We’re making sure that they do not have the capability to harm us anymore,” Mullin said. But both President Trump and Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth have used the word “war” during interviews and briefings to describe the strikes.
We have to side with Trump and Hegseth. “Targeted, limited combat operation! Huh! Yeah! What is it good for?” wouldn’t have worked as song lyrics, even with Edwin Starr singing.
Is there a prediction market for Kalshi’s death? The prediction betting market Kalshi has angered many of its users after it canceled bets — after the fact — that had appeared to pay off for users who had correctly predicted that Iran’s Ayatollah Ali Khamenei would be “out as Supreme Leader” this month. One Kalshi user said he placed two bets for $3,460 and thought he had won $63,000. A total of $54 million in predictions had been canceled regarding the Iranian leader’s death. Kalshi said it doesn’t allow transactions “directly tied to death.”
If that’s the case, that’s going to disappoint a lot of Seattle Seahawk fans who correctly predicted the death by suffocation of the New England Patriots offense in last month’s Super Bowl.
I got the war horse right here: Another prediction market, Polymarket, whose board includes Donald Trump Jr., is facing accusations that “suspected insiders” made $1.2 million by correctly betting that the U.S. would hit Iran by Feb. 28. Some of the bets were made just hours before the first explosions in Tehran. U.S. Sen. Chris Murphy, D-Conn., said in a social media post that the trades indicated that “people around Trump are profiting off war and death.”
Oh, he means other than Lockheed Martin, Raytheon, General Dynamics, Boeing, Northrop Grumman, SpaceX, Palantir, OpenAI and other military contractors.
Sir, the Lafayette Square Homeowners Association would like a word: President Trump’s demolition and the plans for reconstruction of The White House’s East Wing — along with a grand ballroom that would seat 1,000 — have drawn more than 35,000 comments from the public, 97 percent of them critical of the $400 million cost of the project, its size at more than three times that of the White House residence, the razing of the historic East Wing or the lack of prior authorization. Because of the flood of public comment, the National Capital Planning Commission has delayed its final review of the plans.
Noting the White House’s nickname as The People’s House, the other 3 percent wanted to get their names on the calendar for ballroom rentals for weddings, bar mitzvahs and neighborhood rummage sales.
Don’t bother trying to read J.D. Vance’s mind; nothing there: President Trump has accepted an invitation to the White House Correspondents’ Association dinner this April as the honored guest, an event that Trump has previously boycotted as president after comedians hosting have routinely roasted presidents and other public figures. Last year, the scheduled host, comedian Amber Ruffin, was disinvited after a White House official called her “hate-filled.” This year, that problem has been solved by not booking a comedian in the first place; headlining this year is “nonpolitical” mentalist and mind-reader Oz Pearlman. Pearlman promises to bring “wonder” to the event.
As in, we “wonder” if Pearlman will be arrested and taken to a black-ops interrogation site after reading the minds of the president, multi-hatted Marco Rubio and Director of National Intelligence Tulsi Gabbard.
Maybe lose the shirt; it’s just going to get Big Arch sauce down the front: On the heels of Secretary of Health and Human Services Secretary Robert F. Kennedy Jr.’s decision to flip the food pyramid upside down and encourage Americans to eat more meat and fewer carbohydrates as part of the Make America Healthy Again movement, McDonald’s is going all in with the introduction of its Big Arch burger. The Big Arch packs two quarter-pound patties, cheese, pickles, two kinds of onions (sliced and crispy), lettuce and Big Arch sauce between two huge buns, skipping the Big Mac’s extraneous third bun. Even so, the Big Arch packs 53 grams of protein, 59 grams of carbs — compared to the Big Mac’s 45 grams — and 65 grams of fat, 25 of them saturated, for a total of 1,020 calories.
A tip for the guys: Should you decide to down a Big Arch before joining RFK Jr. and Kid Rock for a post-workout dip in the hot tub — glass of whole milk, optional — we suggest you wear those jeans with the stretch denim.
Email Jon Bauer at jon.bauer@heraldnet.com.
