Science takes a bite out of vampire tales
Published 9:00 pm Sunday, October 29, 2006
Be afraid. Be very afraid.
Not because Dracula wants to drink your blood, but because enough of your fellow citizens believe Dracula wants to drink your blood. (“AB on the rocks, please.”)
In general, but especially during Great Pumpkin season, scientists feel the need to remind us mortals that zombies, ghosts and haunted houses really don’t exist. Seems the “Ghostbusters” movies were not documentaries. Scientists say they need to issue these warnings because people keep telling pollsters they believe in haunted houses, ghosts and witches.
Physicist Costas Efthimiou, a professor at the University of Central Florida, takes his myth-busting so seriously, he’s proved mathematically that vampires can’t exist. His calculations show that if one vampire sucked one person’s blood each month – turning each victim into an equally hungry vampire – after a couple of years there would be no people left, just vampires. Obviously the good professor forgot to count the number of space aliens arriving daily, all the uncounted evil twins, and all the devil’s hand-servants, who can obviously kick a little vampire tail.
The National Science Foundation reports that belief in “pseudosciences” is growing. According to the Committee for the Scientific Investigations of Claims of the Paranormal, pseudoscience topics include yogi flying, therapeutic touch, astrology, fire walking, voodoo magical thinking, Uri Gellar, alternative medicine, channeling, Carlos hoax, psychic hotlines and detectives, near-death experiences, Unidentified Flying Objects (UFOs), the Bermuda Triangle, homeopathy, faith healing and reincarnation.
That’s a lot of beliefs. That’s like throwing Rosemary’s Baby out with the bathwater.
Surely we can all agree that alternative medicine, with its crazy, supernatural massage therapy, is definitely a crock, but voodoo magical thinking? That’s going too far.
(An exchange in the “Voodoo Something to Me” episode of “Gilligan’s Island” illustrates what the scientific investigators are up against:
Skipper: Gilligan, I’m leaving these things with you. A gun and a rabbit’s foot. If one doesn’t work, use the other.
Professor: The only place you’ll ever find a monster is in your mind.
Gilligan: Or in the supply hut.)
According to a 2001 Gallup survey, belief in only one pseudoscience – devil possession – declined. Of all the beliefs to falter. It’s enough to make your head spin.
Belief in four – haunted houses, ghosts, communication with the dead, and witches – had double-digit percentage point increases. Movies like “The Sixth Sense” and TV shows like “Medium,” “Crossing Over With Casper” and “The Kreskin Whisperer” may fuel such beliefs.
Regardless, as the scientists go on debunking, just remember that nine out of 10 gobblins surveyed prefer full-size candy bars over the fun-size, blood type optional.
