All the fuss fit for a royal baby
Published 3:45 pm Saturday, July 20, 2013
Did you win your office Royal Baby pool? Name, date, weight, etc. Turns out “Prince/Princess Honey Boo Boo” wasn’t even on William and Kate’s potential name list. What a royal omission. They sure don’t name them like they use to: there’s nary a “Ethelred the Unready” or “Sigrid the Haughty” among royals today. (Modern possibilities: “Camilla the Meanie” and “Harry the Naughty.”)
Say “Countess of Wessex” three times fast as we review activity in the House of Headlines.
•”With queen’s OK, Britain legalizes gay marriage”: Did she burst into a rendition of “We Are the Champions” after signing? Regardless, the late, great Freddie Mercury of the group Queen would be ever so proud of Queen Mum.
(If William and Kate were an American celebrity couple, they just might name their baby “Bohemian Rhapsody.”) (And then, when older, the baby could sing, “Oh Mama mia, Mama mia, Mama mia! Let me go!”)
•”Would-be mermaid banned from Fla. pool”: Jenna Conti just wants to wear her custom-made mermaid tail at the community pool, so she can practice her mermaid maneuvers in order to land a swimming job at the Florida Aquarium, “which features mermaid performers,” AP reports. But her tail violates the pool’s no-fin policy, so she must train elsewhere.
(Sadly, Puget Sound waters are too cold, so no mermaids can be found at the Seattle Aquarium. Pirates, however, can be found at Seafair.)
Conti became “enthralled” after she and her 10-year-old son saw the mermaids at the Tampa Bay Renaissance Fair earlier this year. Ah, yes, the ye olde Tampa Bay Renaissance Fair. Such fairs typically aren’t known for any type of historical or cultural accuracy, but mermaids? Do they ride horses and joust?
•“South Dakota’s Corn Palace renovations get city OK”: Many people are unaware that America’s Royal Subsidy Family lives in the Corn Palace. (Where the moat is filled with high fructose corn syrup.) Upgrades will include new domes that “will look like an ear of corn with the silks of the corn coming off.” Oooh, sounds like the Duke of Corn Cob is doing his striptease act again, which can’t be confirmed as historically accurate, but draws the tourists nonetheless.
”Agent who tracked Iowa governor’s speeding SUV fired”: Funny how that works. Iowa is negotiating to have him permanently shackled in the South Dakota Corn Palace’s dungeon.
”What would the ‘exercise pill’ mean?”: That we’ve completely given up? (As Jerry said to George Costanza in an episode of “Seinfeld”: “You know the message you’re sending out to the world with these sweatpants? You’re telling the world, ‘I give up. I can’t compete in normal society. I’m miserable, so I might as well be comfortable.’”)
”Seattle’s Dungeness crab: America’s best regional food?”: Yes. And possibly the whole world. Even if there isn’t a palace dedicated to the crustacean.
”Phone out of juice? Researchers can recharge with urine”: Well, this should be good news for the folks who insist on taking their phone into the toilet. Or a Seattle alley. But for others, the olde-fashioned ones, it sounds like yet another sign of the apocalypse. Princess Siri of Appledom isn’t too enthusiastic about it, either.
”Chimpanzees and orangutans remember distant past events”: The researchers say their work, published in Current Biology, shows memory for past events is not unique to humans. (Duh, the dolphin scientific community Tweeted.)
Seems like memory would be a requirement for any/all species that survive. How else would squirrels and cats develop the “look both ways before crossing the street” trait? How would a dog be able to go to the exact spot in the woods where he found a severed deer leg one time, years after the discovery, and sniff around for it like it would still be there? How would a crow know who is friend and who is foe?
Misty-water-colored-canine memories, of where to find stinky stuff.
Address everyone royally this week. “Lord and Lady Late Payment request a meeting with the Duke and Duchess of Deep Pockets, aka, Mummy and Daddy.
Carol MacPherson: 425-339-3472, cmacpherson@heraldnet.com
