Rainbows.

I spend a lot of time chasing them.

According to my wife – she of both feet planted firmly on terra firma – I’m always searching for things that never seem to come to pass.

Since she’s put up with this for so long, I thought I’d save her the exasperation and mention my latest rainbows here in this column. Maybe you’ll recognize a few you’ve chased too:

* An explanation as to what in blue blazes has led to all of the body piercing and tattoos now showing up in or on every available nook, cranny and patch of skin on many people’s bodies. Poor taste in clothes, jewelry and hairstyles can at least be remedied with little or no blood shed. Not so this trend. What gives here?

* The banishment of the words “validate,” “closure” and “empowerment” from the language. Whenever I hear these words I know the speaker is headed places where common sense and logic are seldom found.

* Leaders in government, religion (most especially religion), business, and education – to name but a few – who’d have the guts to say to everyone in their organization: “I find out that any of you have been messing with kids and you’ll be gone so fast your head will spin. And, by the way, my first call after you clear the door will be to the cops to have your sorry butt arrested.”

* One entire week wherein car dealers weren’t having a “Sale of the Century,” “Factory Invoice,” “Model Year Close-out,” or any other kind of sale at all. For once, I wish they’d just put the real price of the vehicle (not the eternally suspect “factory invoice”) on the window and ask us to come by.

* An end to television reporters who believe it’s their sacred duty to stick a microphone in the face of someone who’s just gone through some unspeakable hell and ask that tormented soul, “How do you feel?”

As a minor aside, back in the early 1980s, when the Marine barracks in Lebanon was blown up, a camera crew went to Camp LeJuene to ask some of the victims’ families “how they felt.” That crew had the misfortune of running into an older “Gunny Sergeant” who told them (on film) that they’d better leave before he put the camera someplace where sunlight doesn’t often shine.

I wanted to hug that man. I settled for standing up and cheering.

* A company that had the courage to produce an ad that said: “Our product does exactly what it’s supposed to do and does it well. It did it five years ago. It did it last year. We promise it’ll do it this year too. Therefore, we’re not advertising anything ‘New and Improved’ because it isn’t, we haven’t, and you’d likely not believe us anyway.”

* An end to all sentences that begin with the words, “I feel like we should …” If such a sentence cannot be started with either “I think” or “I believe,” then I’d like an explanation as to the texture and firmness of a “we should.”

* An actor or sports star who’d come out and say: “Heck, I’m just an entertainer. My opinion is probably just as foolish as anyone else’s. I think I’ll just keep my mouth shut. That way my foot shouldn’t be able to find a way into it.”

* Political debates that are just that. Point and counterpoint. Argument, rebuttal and summation. No panel of previously approved questioners. No arguing over camera angles. Podiums at 20 paces and the Good Lord help the poor soul who couldn’t meet arguments squarely, summarize ideas clearly or speak with a modicum of common sense.

* Film critics who would finally just admit that the best movie ever made was “Casablanca,” followed very closely by “She Wore A Yellow Ribbon.” They just don’t make them like that any more.

* An end to polls. One tires of “leaders” who base their every action on what some 980 or so people think at any given moment. Given my own “normal” thought processes on various days, I wouldn’t trust my opinion on how to do the laundry let alone on how to run the country.

* And, finally, a fond hope (shared in principle with at least one reader of this newspaper) that, while on a vacation cruise up the Amazon River, the individual responsible for developing telephone campaign messages accidentally falls overboard. Then, while struggling in the water, said individual is slowly devoured by a school of ravenous, but very slow-chewing, piranhas.

Rainbows.

I’ll catch one someday.

And maybe even meet up with that Quixote guy too.

Larry Simoneaux lives in Edmonds. Comments can be sent to larrysim@att.net.