Predictions and predilictions for 2009

Published 2:33 pm Wednesday, December 31, 2008

It’s the first day of 2009, so the Universal Press Syndicate sent us its rundown of Zodiac predictions for this, the Year of the Ox.

Apparently, the previous year — that of the rat — left a mess. We see no reason to disagree.

The ox, despite being a lumbering beast, is expected to clean things up. Call us skeptical, but we have our doubts.

Throughout these predictions you’ll find our misgivings and asides expressed parenthetically. Whenever you see a comment (like this), that’s a thought of ours. Everything else is a genuine horoscope — assuming that’s not an, uh, OXymoron.

Herald Writer Andy Rathbun and Universal Press Syndicate

ARIES (March 21-April 19)

Imagination, ingenuity and intelligence will bring opportunities if you can also keep things simple, cost-efficient and serviceable. (That’s not going to happen.) Use common sense and avoid health products that promise the impossible. (Dang. We just ordered that Thigh Toner.) Strive to regain all that has been taken from you. (Including our dignity? Because that’s going to be tough to get back.)

Best months: February, May, July, October, December

Lucky numbers: 6, 13, 19, 25, 30, 34, 41

TAURUS (April 20-May 20)

You’ll want to act fast and take on too much, the exact two elements that will lead to your downfall. (Why would we want to do things that lead to our downfall? That’s just poor advice.) Surround yourself with people who ask questions. (So someone like Barbara Walters.) You can’t rule out being deceived in love, so ask questions and stick to stable partners. (So someone like Barbara Walters.)

Best months: January, April, August, September, October

Lucky numbers: 3, 9, 17, 20, 28, 34, 49

GEMINI (May 21-June 20)

If you put in the time to perfect your skills, the sky will be the limit. (What happens if we just slack off? Because that’s our game plan right now.) Honesty and love will be the main issues, especially if your flirtatious ways get out of control; boredom coupled with passion spells secret love affairs. (A husband coupling with his secretary spells the same thing, FYI.)

Best months: February, May, July, September, October

Lucky numbers: 8, 13, 15, 23, 36, 39, 45

CANCER (June 21-July 22)

Look critically at your life, state of mind, physical well-being and financial status. (We look great!) Revamp top to bottom and without hesitation. (Did you not hear us? About being great looking?) You’ll face uncertainty in love if you let yourself go; curb any unhealthy habits you’ve developed. (Stop bingeing on pork belly and Velveeta. Check.)

Best months: January, April, June, September, October

Lucky numbers: 3, 6, 17, 22, 27, 31, 47

LEO (July 23-Aug. 22)

Greater opportunities to launch your creative ideas will make for an interesting year, as long as you stay within your means. (Sounds like it’s time to set up that blog.) Stop living a lie and move on. (But we see a real future in nude tap dancing!) You’ll come into money from unusual sources. (Does that mean we’re getting on “Deal or No Deal” and “Who Wants To Be a Millionaire?”) Strive to reform and build a new, solid base. (We didn’t know the Republican Party was a Leo. Interesting.)

Best months: February, March, May, July, October, December

Lucky numbers: 5, 16, 19, 25, 38, 41, 46

VIRGO (Aug. 23-Sept. 22)

Don’t lose sight of the fact that winning is the objective. (We’re Seattle sports fans. That’s going to be tricky.) Don’t settle for less than what you want in love because you are lonely — hold out. (That’s the same advice our priest gave us. It didn’t work.) Good financial dealings will develop; you’ll gain from others’ losses. (In this economy that means we’ll gain a lot.)

Best months: January, April, June, September, October, November

Lucky numbers: 9, 11, 20, 24, 31, 35, 43

LIBRA (Sept. 23-Oct. 22)

Focus on any unique idea and put your creative spin on it. (That settles it: We’re investing in solar-powered corduroys.) This is a year of opportunity, but only if you’re unafraid of standing out. Your intuition won’t let you down, so follow the voice within. (Our psychologist tells us to do the opposite.) New-fangled health regimes and diets will get you in tip-top shape. (“New-fangled?” “Tip-top?” Was this prediction made in 1952?)

Best months: February, March, May, July, October, December

Lucky numbers: 2, 10, 23, 27, 30, 39, 42

SCORPIO (Oct. 23-Nov. 21)

When faced with temptation, be strong, confident and secure about who you are and what you can do. (Wait, what? We don’t understand…) Passing this test will determine your prosperity for years to come. (Oh no! But we don’t understand the test! This is high school geometry all over again.) Invest money in yourself and your talent. (How did they know we only had one talent?)

Best months: January, March, April, June, August, October

Lucky numbers: 11, 14, 22, 31, 35, 40, 49

SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22-Dec. 21)

Others won’t cover your back until they see strength, so hide your insecurity and uncertainty. (And here we’ve been flaunting those.) There will be no room for mistakes. (So long as there’s room for Jell-o, we’re cool.) Unusual remedies and clean living will keep you healthy. (For us, clean leaving is an unusual remedy.) Strive to give old ideas a new, futuristic look. (We just added the word “green” to all our products. That should cover us.)

Best months: February, May, July, September, November, December

Lucky numbers: 1, 9, 15, 22, 34, 39, 47

CAPRICORN (Dec. 22-Jan. 19)

Everyone will be looking for something a little different; you may lose ground if you can’t offer the unique. (Did you miss the part about our solar-powered corduroys? Pants that draw energy from the sun?) To stay on top, take a detached attitude about finances, investments and contracts. (In short, act like the Big Three. Keep emotions separate from love or you’ll pay. (Yeah, it’s always good to keep emotion out of love.)

Best months: January, April, June, August, September, November

Lucky numbers: 3, 6, 21, 27, 30, 39, 48

AQUARIUS (Jan. 20-Feb. 18)

By sharing your plans and feelings, you’ll transform your world into exactly what you’ve wanted it to be. (Great!) The drawback, however, will be indulgence and self-deception. (But wait, those traits don’t exist in the world we want. What a paradox!) Choose a love partner for the right reason. (So someone free from STDs. Check.) Overindulgence will be a detriment to your health. Size down physically. (Is that a euphemism for, “Stop eating Easy Cheese?”)

Best months: March, May, July, September, October, December

Lucky numbers: 1, 8, 11, 22, 26, 31, 40

PISCES (Feb. 19-March 20)

Secret information will be hard to come by. (Granted, that’s why it’s called “secret.”) Facts and figures will maintain your status quo while readying you for a cushy position within a year. Then everything will become more apparent as to how far you can go with what you’ve got. (Does a monkey make these predictions, or just write them?) Avoid the possibility of contaminated products. (We don’t know how to avoid a possibility, so we’ll just avoid contaminated products outright.)

Best months: January, May, June, September, October, November

Lucky numbers: 3, 14, 19, 24, 36, 41, 46