Parents and kids can solve (predictable) problems together

Published 1:30 am Sunday, April 30, 2017

Have you heard of the educator and psychologist Dr. Ross W. Greene? He has written a bunch of books that you can find at the library that talk about proactively solving predictable problems with your children.

As I grow as a parent, I realize that my week is full of predictable problems, but that instead of helping my kids learn how to solve them, I usually let consequences do the teaching for me, which doesn’t always work out very well. Here’s a great example.

Being late stresses me out, but doesn’t bother my daughter at all. At my second-grader’s school there is a bell system that translates to: “really early, on time, barely on time and you suck!” At least that’s how my brain interprets it. If I was my daughter, I’d be in my seat every morning by the really-early bell, but she’s happy arriving by the barely-on-time bell.

Most of this past year has gone like this: I’d be standing at the front door in my coat, and my daughter would be tying her shoes at a glacial speed. By the time we trudged up the hill to school, I would be fuming and exercising my sharp tongue.

“Stop telling me to ‘show a little hustle,’” my daughter would complain. “I’m going as fast as I can.”

Natural consequences (being late to school) hadn’t helped. Parental consequences like me taking away her iPad time hadn’t helped either.

Nothing made my daughter move quickly. We had a predictable problem, but it was one we could solve together.

So I waited for a neutral time and then asked my daughter about it. “Look,” I said, “I noticed that every morning you and I both struggle with walking to school. I get grouchy, you become upset, and a couple of times you’ve been tardy. What’s up with this?”

“It’s hard to get out of bed,” she told me. “I want an alarm clock.”

A $20 alarm clock was the answer to the problem? This sounded too good to be true. “Sure,” I said, “I can buy you an alarm clock. What else would help?”

“Maybe you could braid my hair the night before, so it was easier to brush.”

I nodded my head. “Tangles are the worst.”

Five minutes later we finalized our plan. I would buy an alarm clock and some hairbands that afternoon.

The next morning I heard my daughter’s alarm clock go off five minutes after my own did. By the time I walked downstairs to make coffee, she was dressed, clearing away her breakfast dishes, and headed to the bathroom to brush her teeth. “Do I have time to read a book?” she asked hopefully.

“I don’t see why not,” I answered.

That morning was the first of many good mornings. Those good mornings have stretched into weeks and months. Now I’m on the hunt for more predictable problems to solve.

And so, by the way, are my children. I have some bad habits that they want to tackle, too.

Jennifer Bardsley is author of the books “Genesis Girl” and “Damaged Goods.” Find her online on Instagram @the_ya_gal, on Twitter @jennbardsley or on Facebook as The YA Gal.