More insights on parenting successfully

Published 1:30 am Saturday, January 7, 2023

It’s been interesting to observe my adult children and their friends parenting their young kids. Today’s parents are far more introspective than in my generation. As an involved grandparent, I get to throw in my parenting experience and knowledge as a child psychologist, when I have the kids without their parents.

Here are a few of my insights.

Embrace praise. I think most parents are good at this. But it’s also true that paying too much attention to undesirable behaviors can reinforce bad behavior. Parental responsiveness is highly reinforcing — with both negative and positive attention. Putting your spotlight on behaviors that you want to see will bring results over the long term.

Be specific when you give praise. “I really appreciated it when you put your dishes in the sink” is better than “Thanks for helping in the kitchen tonight.” Reinforce praise with a smile or friendly touch. And make sure that your feedback is honest and based on reality. If your daughter puts one dish away, don’t make a big deal over it. Kids have radar for fake praise.

Ignore minor bad behavior. Remember, the spotlight of your attention is highly reinforcing. Ignoring minor bad behavior tends to decrease their occurrence. Not responding to whining and giving attention to kids when they ask for something politely is more effective in the long run.

Learn about child development. This is very useful. Parents run into trouble when they lack understanding of their child’s developmental capacities. This can result in unrealistic expectations that frustrate both adults and children. Louise Bates Ames has a wonderful series of books about each year of your child’s life. These books help you understand each developmental phase of your youngster’s childhood.

Do time-out right. Time-out should be immediate and brief. Parents need to stay calm. “Time-out” should be far less frequent than “Time-in” when parents give positive feedback and attention.

I’m not a big fan of grounding teens for long periods of time or taking their cell phones away for weeks on end. Consequences should be short and unpleasant. The goal is to develop natural and logical consequences that fit the crime. When my daughter was a teen, she had a party when we were away. I didn’t ground her — but required her to call her friends’ parents and apologize. She hated that!

An ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure. Looking ahead is probably the best cure for bad behavior. If a child has trouble with too many transitions, limit the number of outings in one day. If bedtimes are rough, plan ahead to make it easier. Work on how to help a child cope better with trouble spots.

Take care of yourself. Parental self-care is important. Children are emotional sponges. They soak up your stress and tension. They also absorb your happiness and well-being. Take your pick. It’s up to you.

At the same time, it’s important to nurture your relationship with your partner. Date nights are a necessity, not optional. Single parents need to nurture important connections too. We need to take care of ourselves—first and foremost.

Paul Schoenfeld is a clinical psychologist at The Everett Clinic. His Family Talk blog can be found at www. everettclinic.com/ healthwellness-library.html.