A guide to dating and the single parent

Published 1:30 am Saturday, February 25, 2023

According to the Census Bureau, there are over 10 million single-parent households in the United States. While most adults with children loathe separating for all of the usual reasons, it does happen despite the best intentions of married adults.

Men and women find themselves in midlife, single with children. At first, simply adjusting to single parenthood can be a huge challenge — divorce results in a major financial downturn for most families. Out of necessity, many stay-at-home moms go back to work. Running a household, caring for kids and working can be exhausting for single parents. It’s hard to think about anything other than getting through the day.

But over time, parents start to consider dating. It can be overwhelming. Frequently, a broken relationship brings emotional damage. Men and women may feel hurt, betrayed or angry. It can take time to heal from these wounds before adults consider making new connections.

Sometimes adults jump into a new relationship to deal with these feelings. However, carrying fresh emotional baggage into a new relationship is rarely a good idea. The weight of these unresolved injuries can seep into a new affiliation. The outcome is rarely positive.

And then, who has time to date? It can feel like there isn’t even a moment to take a hot bath without interruption, much less go out on a Saturday night. In this new arrangement, parents frequently have every other weekend to themselves. This is a new experience for most parents. And it can be a lonely two days.

Many single adults wonder how they will meet someone. Most of us have heard miserable online dating stories. “Thirty-five-year-old single, attractive male” turns out to be a “55-year-old, married flake.” Blind dates set up by well-meaning friends frequently don’t work out. It can be hard to meet eligible single adults at this time in one’s parental life.

So here are some important points to consider:

Don’t rush into a new relationship. All too often, I see single parents launching themselves into a new relationship, like a rocket ship taking off. This is especially true for many men, who can’t imagine living alone. It takes time to recover from marital dissolution or the death of a spouse. Take your time and don’t throw yourself at the first available and interesting possibility. Take a leisurely approach and look before you leap.

Salute red flags when you see them — and go the other way. When you go to the beach, and the red flag is up — it means DON’T GO IN THE WATER! It doesn’t mean go in the water and the barracudas won’t bother you! Common red flags are multiple marriages that didn’t last very long, active drug or alcohol abuse, major job problems and lots of excuses.

Look to meet singles doing something you like to do. In the great Northwest, outdoor adventures are everywhere. There are hiking clubs, biking clubs and outdoor activities for single adults. There are also single-parent gatherings, and religious institutions can be a comfortable way of meeting other single parents.

Be honest with kids. It’s important not to lie to your children or hide the truth. For example, if you are going out on a date, be honest about it. Reassure your children that date is not the same as hitching up.

Always be yourself. Single parents often focus on what they perceive to be their liabilities (divorce, young children or teens, reduced financial circumstances, or work responsibilities). Focus on your positives.

And remember, don’t throw in the towel; romantic love may be just around the corner.

Paul Schoenfeld is a clinical psychologist at The Everett Clinic. His Family Talk blog can be found at www. everettclinic.com/ healthwellness-library.html.