Beware of making big decisions because of temporary moods

Hello, Carolyn:

How do you know a big decision is based on what you truly want vs. what you feel you want at the moment? There are low-stakes versions of this, such as dramatically cutting your hair after a breakup, but I think I’ve made a lot of my bigger decisions — like getting my MBA — based on my high and low moods. It was a reasonable step for my career, but, looking back, I see I did it only because I was displeased with how my life was going and I needed a distraction. I had no interest in my MBA, but it was at least something to focus on.

I have so many examples of doing that. And now, yet again, I feel a malaise — bored at work, getting over a breakup, weather is crummy — and the voice in my head is pushing me to make a career and location switch. Making a “big move” has always been my default when I feel this way.

Am I just grasping for anything to distract me, or is it time to pull the trigger because it’s what I want?

— Bored

It sounds like time to figure out why you’re so restless, easily bored, quick to reach for distractions.

None of these is necessarily a bad thing; well-managed, these traits drive art, innovation, excellence. They just take some managing, given how easily they can pull you toward novelty at the expense of meaningful investment — or, in your case, toward investments your heart isn’t in. Plus, sometimes decisions are just about guessing which option you’ll regret least.

With a better understanding of your strengths, weaknesses and emotional makeup, though, you can learn to anticipate your malaise, ideally to the point where you pre-empt it by building novelty into significant parts of your life. Your career, your location, your taste in partners and friends, all can be healthy outlets for your natural drives.

Toward this understanding, consider a tough inventory of your past decisions, using hindsight:

Did you treat something as “what I want,” only to regret it later — or did you own your doubts going in? If the latter, then why did you overrule them?

Were any “reasonable” decisions really just comfort-seeking or pain relief in disguise? Both of those are powerful motivators, and we tend to think up sensible-seeming excuses to heed them, though underlying pain usually has its say in the end. (So at the very least, wait out your post-breakup blahs.)

Do you ever feel like you’re living someone else’s idea of a good life? Do you have an idea who that “someone else” is? And can you identify why that person’s (or culture’s) values swamp your own?

This isn’t to suggest decision-making should be easy. You can be sharply self-aware and use every best practice there is and still feel torn, still have regrets. If anything, I’m suspicious of people who don’t second-guess big moves. And envious. Alas.

But contentment lies mostly in our willingness to inhabit — or reshape — whatever outcome our choices bring about, so if your pattern is to build things you don’t want to live in, then it’s time for your outer architect to start paying better attention to your inner client. Often, good therapy is the answer — but if you think you know already who you really are and just haven’t been ready to say it out loud, then I’m guessing now’s a good time to speak up.

Dear Carolyn:

My wife, “Sue,” considers our neighbor “Pat” her “best” and only good friend. Pat’s relationship with her husband deteriorated significantly 12 years ago, and they remain married for convenience sake.

Pat visits our home regularly. My wife prepares a variety of snacks and finger foods for each visit and Pat helps herself to our liquor cabinet. Since Pat has been visiting regularly, not once has she invited Sue to her house or brought the snacks and drinks to our house.

Pat is not lacking for money, as she travels extensively.

I have expressed my frustration to Sue about Pat’s cheapness, but Sue repeatedly says, “That’s Pat,” i.e. Pat is very personable (she is) and doesn’t mean anything by not being considerate.

I’m of the position that no “good friend” would ever take such advantage of another friend. Your thoughts and advice will be greatly appreciated.

— Frustrated in Michigan

How about this: No good spouse would ever “repeatedly” take such a strong position against his wife’s “‘best’ and only good friend.”

You’ve noticed Pat’s shortcomings and pointed them out to your wife. That’s fair. Loved ones look out for each other, and that includes flagging people who might be taking advantage.

But when Sue demonstrated that she had heard you, and had decided Pat’s company was well worth the hosting imbalance, that was your cue to drop it.

I won’t defend a steadfast failure to contribute, but, for what it’s worth, not inviting friends to one’s unhappy home of convenience makes abundant sense to me.

— Washington Post Writers Group