Sarah just turned 15 years old. Predictably, she now knows everything and doesn’t need her parents anymore. “Just let me be” she barks at her parents, “I don’t need you to tell me what to do. And, oh, yeah, I need $25.”
I remember that sense as a teenager, that I didn’t need my parents anymore. After all, I knew exactly what I wanted to do. As a teen I was at the top of my game and indestructible to boot. Having little experience making independent decisions, I had no idea about the potential consequences of my decisions. In retrospect, I was lucky.
My parents got divorced when I was 13. I became something of a wayward youth — a chronic school truant. But I didn’t want my parents to know, so I made sure that I got Bs and stayed under their radar. I came from a straight-A family, so they thought I was nice, but not particularly smart. They never figured out that I missed so much school. It was only when I received a fellowship in graduate school from the National Institute of Mental Health, an all-expenses paid ride to my Ph.D., that they figured out I might be as smart as my two older brothers.
I was a teenager in tumultuous times too — the 1960s. My parents should have been more worried about me than they were. But they were going through their own hard times — single parents trying to find their own way after 20 years of marriage that went awry.
The omniscient teenagers’ brain is still developing. Their frontal lobes, the location of executive function, is just coming online. Unfortunately, kids must learn from their own experience, and some kids who are less dependent on adult approval are going to attend the University of Hard Knocks. It’s scary.
It was a tough time when my girls were teenagers, and over all they were tame. My youngest daughter always wanted to tell me what she got away with—but now that she has kids, she realizes that I wouldn’t want to know.
So how can parents manage the tumultuous teenage years?
Get your act together. When kids are early adolescents, or younger, they stop listening to our lectures. They’re wired to detect hypocrisy. Your words and your own behavior better match up. Walk the talk. Be the person you want your youngster to be. This is probably the biggest challenge for all of us.
Keep your eyes on the prize. The goal of adolescence is to get your kids through these years intact, with reasonable self-esteem, with an open, inquiring mind, and ready to step on to the adult stage. Don’t sweat the small stuff. Sweat the big stuff.
Be their cheerleader. The most important message to give teens, especially those that are struggling, is that you have faith in them. Tell them they know right from wrong; they know what the right thing to do is and let them know that you have confidence that they will find their way. Sometimes this message feels like a stretch. But kids need to know that you believe in them, even when you have your doubts.
Hold on the kite string. Teens are like kites — they can fly high and wide if they’re connected to the earth. Let go of the string on a kite and it will plummet to the ground. Sometimes you can let the string out to allow the kite to fly higher. Other time, pull the string in to keep them in bounds. But never let go!
I reminded my teenage daughters that they still needed us, even when they thought they didn’t. Being the mom and dad of adolescents is a thankless job. Teenagers can be so snarky. But when they become adults, they will thank you for a job well done.
Paul Schoenfeld is a clinical psychologist at The Everett Clinic. His Family Talk blog can be found at www. everettclinic.com/ healthwellness-library.html.
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