When parents and educators launched the “self-esteem” movement in the 1980s, lavishly praising kids and handing out trophies to all, they expected everyone would try harder. But the opposite was true. Coddled kids became softer, slower and less likely to persevere.
In other words, they didn’t learn grit.
“This is not a gritty generation,” says Caroline Adams Miller, an author and speaker. “They become overwhelmed easily because they’ve been protected from failure.”
Psychologists are now focusing on grit as the key ingredient for happiness and success.
Grit is defined as passion and perseverance in pursuit of long-term goals. Grit determines who survives at West Point, who finals at the National Spelling Bee, and who is tough enough not to be a quitter. “More than anything, it predicts who gets to the finish line of hard goals in life,” Miller says, adding that being talented is of little value unless you pair it with hard work and passion.
Research shows grit is usually unrelated or inversely related to talent. But if you fear your kids are light on grit, don’t worry. We can cultivate traits of gritty people — and model them for our kids. Grit is contagious.
Cultivating grit requires finding a passion — something that lights you up. Miller proposes some steps for getting grit:
- When you face a tough challenge, don’t tell yourself the job is too hard or that you can’t do it. Ask yourself, why not me?
- When things get hard and you want to quit, mentally change the channel. Find perseverance by focusing on a spiritual phrase, personal mantra or image that spurs you on.
- Build a team around you. Connect positively with people every day to help you reach tough long-term goals.
- Parents also should praise effort over outcome and coax their kids to push through pain and failure, which will help develop self-respect.
While it’s tough to let your kids fail, failure is key in building grit and grit is often the key to success — you have to fall down to get back up.
Judy Holland is editor-in-chief of the new ParentInsider.com, an e-magazine for parents of teens. She lives in Washington D.C. with her husband and three teens.
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